"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

August 24

                     

     Pat Robertson’s “Kill List”

Religious broadcaster and all round maniac, Pat Robertson wants American operatives to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism and for lesbians. "If there’s one thing I hate, and let’s be honest, there are thousands, but those terrorist lesbians really give me hard on!" he railed while touching himself.

"We have the ability to take him out,” Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's The 700 Club.

"We don't need another $200 billion war, and if we do, then it’s money well spent," he continued. "And there also some Americans that I think we should wipe out as well. Let’s start with Los Angeles and work from there."

Robertson, who loves to mix his church and state with an unhealthy shot of violence, couldn’t keep his festering yap shut and went on to explain the church’s doctrine on the subject of violence,” "You know, I don't know about this doctrine, but I say kill, kill, kill! It’s what Jesus would have wanted,” Robertson said while lobbing a hand grenade.

Robertson has made hilarious statements in the past. In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

The wacky TV evangelist later released his “Kill List”, a comprehensive catalogue of everyone Pat thinks should be murdered. Some of the names and organizations on the 3,000 page (and growing) list include:

All Communists
All Marxists
All Leninists 
All Marxist Leninists 
All Homosexuals
All Musicians
All Poets
Everyone in Hollywood
Bill Clinton
The Bush Twins
Avery Ant
The Corpse of John Lennon

      

    This Week’s Featured Album:
       Music For Your Plants

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Grow, Damn It! 
2. Green Thumb, My Ass
3. Mocked By A Fern
4. More Water? More Shade? What Is It You Want???
5. Fertilizer Blues

Side Two

1. Perhaps A Fish Tank...
2. Hydroponic Hell
3. Where Did Those Bugs Come From?
4. Requiem For a Ficus
5. My Plant Is Smarter Than Me... Or Should That Be I?

“Music For Your Plants” is based on scientific* research that has been cited in The National Enquirer and on The Phil Donohue Show.

In recent years scienticians and other lunatic fringe researchers have conducted experiments demonstrating the effects of music on plants. These remarkable experiments – in that they are a remarkable waste of time and money – have proven incontrovertibly+ that evil rock music (performed by long haired, stupid, marijuana smoking lay-abouts) actually hurts plant growth while classical music (performed by long-haired, sherry drinking, intellectual lay-abouts) stimulates plant growth.

The most renowned (ha!) researcher in the field, Mrs. Sally Retallack, of Hooterville, Tennessee, began experimenting on plants after her cats all died. Today she is a noted “Plant Scientician” and the results of her work are discussed among her neighbors, many of whom are concerned that has stopped bathing.

In her most noted experiment, Mrs. Retallack placed identical groups of healthy houseplants in two separate Environmental Control Chambers. The only variable was the type of music played in each one.

While her previous experiments on cats had driven the poor creatures insane, her work on plants proved fascinating – to her, at least.

In the rock chamber the plants became ignorant, lazy and criminal. All they seemed to want to do was fornicate, mellow out and “hassle the pigs.” They needed excessive water, called her a “bummer” and after 18 days, Mrs. Retallack was so disgusted with their “let it all hang out” attitude that she shipped them off to Vietnam. Flower power indeed!

In the classical chamber the results were just the opposite. The good, law abiding republican plants grew leaves and flowers more rapidly. They saluted the flag and required water only once a week. By the end of 18 days they were baking pies and doing jumping jacks.

Based on Mrs. Retallack’s research and our desire to rid the world of undesirables, this album provides a selection of the kind of music that good American plants like.

Classical Plant No. 36A-B69    1971

* No, not really
+ No, not really

Cover photo: Classical Plant No. 23D-P90 © 1971 Vegetative Records          

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: It’s time to catch up on your correspondence and start sending out the hate mail to famous actors, sports figures, corporations and friends. 
Taurus: All you need to write a masterpiece is a pencil and some paper. Yeah, that should do it.
Gemini: You’re a superhero who has donned the guise of an ordinary mortal. But your unique superpower “the ability to rat people out” isn’t very impressive.
Cancer: What can you do make your home life more secure?  For starters you can let loved ones know how they are appreciated. Also, you can rat out suspected terrorists.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You’re trapped. Trapped like a trap in a trap.
Libra: Things could be worse. Indeed, they could be far worse. And let’s face it, they are gonna get even worse. Have a nice day!
Scorpio: You can spend the rest of your life waiting for the perfect opportunity to arise or you can get up off of your butt, commit to hard work and... Hmm, that “waiting” thing sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?
Sagittarius: Don’t be afraid of the past or fear what the future will bring. It’s the present that you need to fear.
Capricorn: You will continue to view Gorgons as creepy Greek mythology chicks who had snakes for hair and eyes that if looked into turned the beholder into stone.
Aquarius: Decide what you want most to achieve then delegate.
Pisces: You are doing your best to tread carefully as you tiptoe through a field that contains a bull. But you’re as graceful as an elephant and your constant cried of “hey, stupid bull” will only lead to trouble. (This is a metaphor. There actually is no field or bull.)

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
          Today: Severe      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise Ready To Leave Nut House

Canned ham, Tommy Cruiser has left the infamous Breakfast & Bedlam Institute and is said to be eating solids.

Bedlam & Breakfast Institute head, Robyn Hitchcock, who previously had propped Tommy Cruise on his lap while moving him about like a ventriloquist’s dummy and insisting the actor hadn’t committed suicide, said the actor is no where near ready to return to the real world and still unstable as hell as far as he’s concerned, but, “he’s called in his lawyers, and when Tom Cruise does that

Cruise, who will once again be polluting the big screens real soon, had become depressed when he learned that the spaceship he claimed would be arriving for him, did in fact arrive but after giving him a thorough anal probe left and hasn’t called him since. 

Cruiser was staying at The Hollywood Bedlam & Breakfast Institute. The infamous “resort” has in the past hosted a number of psychologically challenged stars such as all of Cruise’s ex-wives, That guy who played J.J. on Good Times and Laurence Olivier.

Waiting For Baby

INT. HALLWAY -- DAY

James paces up and down a hallway.

JAMES: I hope it's a boy...no, I hope it's a girl, a beautiful girl.  Aww, who am I kidding, I want a boy.  Someone I can pal around with, someone I can toss the old pigskin with, someone I can get drunk and sick with.  Although a girl would be nice too, a beautiful little girl to buy clothes for and take on walks and brag about.  "Yes siree, this is my little girl!"  But what do I care?  Boy.  Girl.  It doesn't matter as long as it's happy and healthy...

Enter Molly.

MOLLY: Excuse me, you must be James.  I'm Molly, your blind date.

He looks her over with a smile.

This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

wonderwoman pie in the face
canned ham lyrics
how to use a crackpipe
backyard bomb shelter
princess diana haunting
godzilla attacks japan
boozehound pics
trusting a hotdog salesman
circus freaks
nudist frat boy

Only 122 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

World’s 10 Most Powerful Superwomen

Our very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done. We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.  

1. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire

She is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and can live on the sun.

With her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the "Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of Absolute Power!” 

Having finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!

5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph  

As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her. Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase, “I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic. 

6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control

With a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her kryptonite.

7. Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian! 

With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets, wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original "psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!

8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons  

Having saved her family pizzeria from the “Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak! 

9. Nicole Richie 
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman

“Able To Withstand Large Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”

Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon, but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.

10. The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot

The most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!

TWO GREAT LINKS TO CHECK OUT!
For some very excellent tunes, please visit http://thepartyparty.com/ 
Truly, some great tunes!

Also, for a wonderful piece of animation: http://elephanteggs.com/TCSP.htm 

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