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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 22
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Music For Your Plants
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Grow, Damn It!
2. Green Thumb, My Ass
3. Mocked By A Fern
4. More Water? More Shade? What Is It You Want???
5. Fertilizer Blues
Side Two
1. Perhaps A Fish Tank...
2. Hydroponic Hell
3. Where Did Those Bugs Come From?
4. Requiem For a Ficus
5. My Plant Is Smarter Than Me... Or Should That Be I?
“Music For Your Plants” is based on
scientific* research that has been cited in The National
Enquirer and on The Phil Donohue Show.
In recent years scienticians and other lunatic fringe researchers have
conducted experiments demonstrating the effects of music on plants. These
remarkable experiments – in that they are a remarkable waste of time and
money – have proven incontrovertibly+ that evil rock music (performed by
long haired, stupid, marijuana smoking lay-abouts) actually hurts plant growth while
classical music (performed by long-haired, sherry drinking, intellectual lay-abouts)
stimulates plant growth.
The most renowned (ha!) researcher in the
field, Mrs. Sally Retallack, of Hooterville, Tennessee, began experimenting on
plants after her cats all died. Today she is a noted “Plant Scientician”
and the results of her work are discussed among her neighbors, many of whom
are concerned that has stopped bathing.
In her most noted experiment, Mrs. Retallack placed identical groups of
healthy houseplants in two separate Environmental Control Chambers. The only
variable was the type of music played in each one.
While her previous experiments on cats had driven the poor creatures insane,
her work on plants proved fascinating – to her, at least.
In the rock chamber the plants became ignorant, lazy and criminal. All they
seemed to want to do was fornicate, mellow out and “hassle the pigs.” They
needed excessive water, called her a “bummer” and after 18 days, Mrs.
Retallack was so disgusted with their “let it all hang out” attitude that
she shipped them off to Vietnam. Flower power indeed!
In the classical chamber the results were just the opposite. The good, law
abiding republican plants grew leaves and flowers more rapidly. They saluted
the flag and required water only once a week. By the end of 18 days they were
baking pies and doing jumping jacks.
Based on Mrs. Retallack’s research and
our desire to rid the world of undesirables, this album provides a selection
of the kind of music that good American plants like.
Classical Plant No. 36A-B69
1971
*
No, not really
+ No, not really
Cover photo: Classical Plant No. 23D-P90
© 1971 Vegetative Records
Waiting
For Baby
INT.
HALLWAY -- DAY
James
paces up and down a hallway.
JAMES:
I hope it's a boy...no, I hope it's a girl,
a beautiful girl. Aww, who am I
kidding, I want a boy. Someone I
can pal around with, someone I can toss the old pigskin with, someone I can
get drunk and sick with. Although
a girl would be nice too, a beautiful little girl to buy clothes for and take
on walks and brag about. "Yes
siree, this is my little girl!" But
what do I care? Boy. Girl. It doesn't
matter as long as it's happy and healthy...
Enter
Molly.
MOLLY:
Excuse me, you must be James.
I'm Molly, your blind date.
He
looks her over with a smile.
JAMES:
A girl... A beautiful girl! Well, I guess it's heterosexuality for me.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
To win the game you’re playing, you need to look at certain precarious
factors with a higher degree of objectivity. Of course, that’s easier said
than done. Wait, is it? Just what the hell does that mean, anyway?
Taurus: To
win the game you’re playing, you must cheat.
Gemini: To win the game you’re playing, you will require
chloroform, a ninja hood, and a merkin: That’s one sick
game, pal.
Cancer: To win the game you’re playing, you must remember that
your big plans and dreams are hanging by a slender thread. Hope that helps.
Leo: To win the game you’re playing will require that you
payoff many.
Virgo: To win the game you’re playing, won’t happen. Give up
and read a book instead.
Libra: To win the game you’re playing, you will have to race
your men around the track and try to send the others back. It’s also fun for
dad and mother and sis can trouble her mean old brother.
Scorpio: To win the game you’re
playing, you will need to smell much more gamy.
Sagittarius: To win the game you’re playing isn’t really
necessary since all your game requires is that you get up and go to a job you
hate. You’ve done that, which means you’ve won.
Capricorn: To win the game you’re playing, you probably should
be focused and working instead of reading silly horoscopes.
Aquarius: To win the game you’re playing is your middle name.
I guess it’s better than Olga or Ebenezer.
Pisces: See all of the above in order to
win the game you’re playing.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise Dead
1962 – 2005
Actor
will be remembered for being a real kook
Bedlam & Breakfast Institute head, Robyn Hitchcock,
who yesterday propped Tommy Cruise on his lap and was moving him about like a
ventriloquist’s dummy while insisting the actor hadn’t committed suicide,
is now admitting that Cruise is dead, dead, dead.
”Yeah, he’s pretty much a corpse,” Hitchcock admitted, “although you
got to admit that he looked pretty lifelike on my lap. And none of you saw my
lips moving.”
Hitchcock then added that Cruise’s suicide was probably inevitable, “given
his recent attempts at career suicide.”
Cruise will be
remembered as a rich, actor whose bizarre behavior coined the term “jumping
the couch.”
The actor has been institutionalized since being found living on the
streets, delusional and with his hair hacked off.
Cruise apparently had become overwrought and “overexcited” when he learned
that the spaceship he claimed would be arriving for him, did in fact arrive
but overlooked making him their alien God and instead became obsessed with the
Scientologist woman who does the voice of Bart Simpson.
Cruiser
was staying at The Hollywood “Bedlam & Breakfast.” The infamous
“resort” has in the past hosted a number of psychologically challenged
stars with successful suicidal tendencies, including, Marilyn Monroe, Gig
Young, and Alan Ladd.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
wonderwoman
pie in the face
canned ham lyrics
how to use a crackpipe
backyard bomb shelter
princess diana haunting
godzilla attacks japan
boozehound pics
trusting a hotdog salesman
circus freaks
nudist
frat boy
TWO
GREAT LINKS TO CHECK OUT!
For some very excellent tunes, please visit http://thepartyparty.com/
Truly, some great tunes!
Also, for a wonderful piece of animation: http://elephanteggs.com/TCSP.htm
Only 124 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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