"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 17
What’s the newest thing under
the sun? People getting skin cancer!
George Bush “What About My Needs?”
Some say he is
digging a tunnel to avoid her. Others say he walks about the ranch with his
hands over his ears going “Mememememe, I can’t hear her!” But everyone
agrees – George Bush doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Cindy Sherman, the
grieving mom of a soldier killed in Iraq.
Taking his foot and
inserting it very nicely into his mouth, the president recently displayed just
how great he thinks he is, noting that Ms. Sherman’s problems aren’t his
and that "it's also important for me to go on with my life."
And we agree. Here are few suggestions that
the poor put-upon president might want to implement in order to help him
“get on with his life...”
1. Get a facial, mud bath and massage. Nothing says, “me, me, me” like
this kind of pampering.
2. Send his darling girls off to Iraq. We all know they’re a pain in his
presidential rump, and if George really needs to focus on himself, he can’t
do it with those two braying idiots nearby. Maybe they could do stand-up
comedy for the soldiers about how incompetent and incontinent George
is... I’m laughing already!
3.Start smoking a pipe. A pipe makes a man look like he’s deep in thought
and no one likes to bother a man deep in thought.
4. Have an affair with a pretty young thing. Nothing says, “what about my
selfish needs?” more than shacking up with a busty coed. And best of all it
can’t possibly make George look any more foolish than he already does.
5. Frontal lobotomy. The first one didn’t fully take, but maybe the second
time’s the charm. One thing’s for certain, a lobotomy is just what George
needs to “get on with his life.”
This Week’s Featured Album:
Music To Relax By
In Your Barcalounger
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Fill Me With
Tranquilizers – The Soft Notes
2. Sedated Playboy – Susie & The Knockout Pills
3. I Don’t Care About My Receding Hairline (When I’m In My Reclining
Chair) – Frankie Slumber & The Vegetables
4. A World Without Teenagers – Tony “Swoon” Martini
5. Shoot The Boss (Fantasy #9) – Percy Repose & The Drifting Offs
6. Fly Me To Oblivion – The Breath Easies
Side Two
1. Moonglow &
Prescription Drugs – The Drowsy Duo
2. Only Happy When I’m In A Deep Sleep – Brain Dead Ted
3. The Barcalounger Trance – The Unconscious States
4. My Eyes Are As Dead As My Soul – Tina Torpidity
5. Make It All Go Away, Make It All End Today – The Remorseful Black
Outs
6.
Do The Coma – Mild Bill Lasovich & The Swinging Orderlies
Forget about those
filthy unkempt rabblerousing hippies. Screw those lousy, cheating, greedy
bastards at the IRS. And a big “kiss my ass” to all your other troubles.
Tonight it’s time for you to sit ‘way back, relax and listen to top
Columbia artists perform music on this album with you in mind – the poor,
put upon, schlep who can’t afford a lobotomy but might be able to scratch up
the dough for a Barcalounger.
Here is music to satisfy your urge to let
life slip you by in a wonderful coma state. Here is music to listen to while
drooling in a semi-vegetative dead-eyed gaze. Here is music to give you an
idea of what things will be like once you are dead and all your heartaches and
troubles are gone – or are at least now someone else’s!
Songs like Fill Me With
Tranquilizers, which really sum up how you feel about your problems. Or the
eminently listenable The Barcalounger Trance by those somnambulant
comatose kings of sleepy and escapist music, The Unconscious States.
Whatever your listless and tranquilized
whim, Music
to Relax By In Your Barcalounger, will match your sedated mood. Sure,
you’d rather be dead, but you can’t afford it. Yeah, a lobotomy would be
sweet, but that won’t help pay the bills. Nope, you’re going to have wait
a little longer until the big day finally comes and you finally find yourself
in some kind of blissful, brain-dead state, or even better – a totally dead
state. Until then about all you can do is buy a Barcalounger, self medicate,
drink lots of alcohol, and try and make the world go away.
Norman Mailer, 1967
Cover photo: Some Guy Who Works For Barcalounger
© 1967 Columbia Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
A wayward gecko and your love of foreign foods come together quite nicely: At
360 degrees for an hour and a half and with a dash of paprika.
Taurus:
There is a certain person you owe rather a lot to and today you will make the
important decision to not repay them but instead move somewhere where they
can’t fid you. Once again your weaselish ingenuity pays off.
Gemini: Mercury your ruling planet rules!
Cancer: You are expecting the active co-operation of someone. This may
be to much to hope for instead. Instead why don’t you pray really hard that
you might find a shiny penny?
Leo: Having a clear picture of what you want is good, having a butler
and a maid is even better.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: A loud voice is not always necessary to get your point across.
But you’re king of the loud mouthed schnooks – it’s your thing. So go
ahead, yell your face off.
Scorpio: There are similarities between your current scenario and those of
a common cucumber. What are they? Well, since you have the brain of a common
cucumber there’s no point in trying to explain them to you.
Sagittarius: You have the smart of a smarty-pants and the ass of a
fat-ass.
Capricorn: Your knowledge of Dr. Seuss rhymes still doesn’t pay the
bills.
Aquarius: There is no easy route to success – unless you’re the
spoiled kid of successful person. Then you’ve got it made.
Pisces: It will soon be apparent that something you said to a friend was,
at best, wrong, and at worse downright rude. But still, it was pretty damn
funny!
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise
Gets Roasted!
He may be institutionalized, but that’s
not going to stop the joke slingers from plying their trade. And when a
wounded beast staggers about the Serengeti, the predators pounce.
So it’s not surprising that the main butt
of jokes at Pamela Anderson’s roast (soon to be broadcast on Comedy Central)
was none other than Tommy Cruiser.
One of the roasters, some comedian guy,
said, ‘Pam, you being the star of a show about books and reading, is like
Tom Cruise looking at a vagina without throwing up!”
Another rapier witted wag said he knew Tom
was definitely straight because Katie Holmes looks like a little boy.
Yet another mirth maker cracked up plenty
by noting, “Tom Cruise – what an insane fag!”
Are the organizers behind the event worried
that the notoriously litigious Cruise will sue? “Nope. And I’ll tell you
why. Because they don’t have TV in the loony bin that Tom is currently
residing in,” a Comedy Central spokeswoman said.
The
Cruiser has been “resting” at The Hollywood “Bedlam & Breakfast.”
The infamous “resort” has in the past hosted a number of psychologically
challenged stars including, Martin Lawrence, Fatty Arbuckle, and Daffy Duck.
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
visayan
warty pig
prize may not be exactly as shown
butt plug rhyme
the date avery country was elected
disposable hotdog warmers
why is there no king ant
cartoon eyes bugging out
avery ant and sarah jessica parker
hillbilly moonshine xxx jugs
psychological
propaganda for modern type of woman who shall rule the world
Only 129 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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