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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 12
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
You finally get that new toothbrush you’ve been hoping and praying for and
you are delighted. But why stop there? Why not start wishing for some matching
toothpaste to join it? Dream away, you crazy, yellow-toothed, nut!
Taurus:
Everyone has fears. Yours is that while you are on the toilet seat a hand
comes up from below and pulls you in. It’s an odd one, but so are you.
Gemini: You will continue to view pooh-bahs as pompous
ostentatious officials who hold many offices and fulfill none of them.
Cancer:
Money and possessions are important. Start hoarding and don’t stop until
you’re a weirdo reclusive miser. That’ll show ‘em all!
Leo: You don’t lack for energy, enthusiasm or motivation; you just
lack a brain to take advantage of all these traits. Follow the yellow brick
road, my friend...
Virgo: Your adventures in time travel into the future take an
unexpected twist when... wait, why am I telling you? You already know all
this.
Libra: See “Gemini.” (You also feel the same way about
muck-a-mucks.)
Scorpio: You have great power over today’s developments as long as you
keep screaming, pulling out your hair and running about in circles.
Sagittarius: The next few days will be hot – just like you!
Capricorn: You may or may not deserve the best, but will you settle for
a new comb?
Aquarius: You have the toy-making skills of an elf and the stomach of
Santa.
Pisces: It’s cocktail hour somewhere in the world – what are you
waiting for?
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise
Depressed
Tom Cruise has
jumped the couch even further and has been found living on the streets,
delusional and with his hair hacked off.
“The aliens...
They came,” he is reported to have mumbled, “and they didn’t make their
silver-headed gamma ray god. Oh man! Oh baby... Oh crap!”
Authorities placed
Cruise in psychiatric care and are hoping to get the whacked-out canned ham
back on track.
“We’re
feeding him vitamins, lots of vitamins. That should cure his mental
illness,” said health officials.
This Week’s Featured Album:
12 Top Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side
One.
1.
Love in a Bomb Shelter – The Swell Gang
2. I’m Always On The Lookout (For Communists) – The Good Citizens
3. The Segregation Dance – The Righteous Teen Beats
4. I Love You Barbara Billingsley – The Beaver Boys
5. Without A Family, A Woman Is Nothing – 4 Neat Fellas
6. She’s The Bad Girl From The Hygiene Films – The Gay Guys
Side Two.
1.
Insipid America – The Malt Shop Band
2. The Repressed Song (Keep Smiling, Keep Smiling!) – The Keen Church
Goers
3. Never Met a Black Person, Never Met a Jew – Bobby Smith and
Friends
4. That Gal of Mine (Really Knows Her Place!) – Smiling Eddie and The
Squirrels
5. My Nuclear Family Doesn’t Include The Portuguese Maid – The Doo-Wops
6. Cold War Girl, Let Me Heat You Up – Fabulous Johnny and 23 Skidoo
Hey Guys and Gals get ready for 12 of the kookiest, nuttiest, hippest, and
most neato songs this side of squares-ville. If you like conforming, personal
hygiene, and being a good American citizen than this album is for you. If not,
then you’re a degenerate and we hope you get shot and/or sent to jail (but
mostly, shot). This rocking album of rocking songs is just rocking! And it’s
the perfect benchmark for our generation: The best one there’ll ever be,
daddyo!
Almost
as fun as McCarthyism and way more interesting than worrying about some
peoples' civil liberties, 12 Top Hits features such destined to be
classic bands like, The Gay Guys and Smiling Eddie and The
Squirrels. Bands we’ll be hearing a lot more about, I can tell you that!
If
you thought your leak free ballpoint pen and the polio vaccine were something
else, than get ready to Hula Hoop your way to the Polypropylene jukebox and
enjoy all the great songs on 12 Top Hits.
And
remember kids, wash your face everyday, pledge allegiance to the flag, go to
church, and if you ever have any urges to do anything un-American, then
it’s perfectly okay to hang yourself.
Until
then – have fun. (But just make sure it’s OUR kind of Christian fun... You
know, the boring kind.)
Jim Jones – The Burma Shave Man 1958
Cover
photo: Ward Cleaver © 1957 Conformity Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rock
stars baldness
the pope is satan
my pope hat is bigger than your pope hat
pope groupies
we got a right to pick a little fight bonanza
captain crunch roof of mouth
gory cat journal
taking a pie in the face
how to stop scientology poisoning my brother
i wanna be a porn star
Only
134 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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