"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Fashion Faux Pas For
Men – Don’t Try These Outside of Home
Open up the latest issue of GQ,
and what do you see? Poorly written articles and an endless homage to male
as far as I’m concerned, a slave to fashion is still ultimately – nicely
dressed or not – a fashion victim.
And so, for those poor victims, here are the five latest fashion statements
that are deemed “deplorable” by the elitist fashionistas and pretentious
gadabouts, fops, and general snot-rags that work at GQ.
If you’re sporting a kilt, the
general public might think you’re a drunken Scotsman looking for a fight and
willing to show off his hairy balls. If you’re sporting an accompanying
sporran, the general public might think you’re a drunken Scotsman looking to
cut off their balls. If you’re wearing your kilt over your head and urinating
in public, then congratulations – you are the real deal. And everyone loves
authenticity! They just hate kilts – so don’t wear one.
The single nose earring
Back in the ’80s, it was said
that if a guy wore only one nose earring he was a circus freak. In the 90’s,
the guy was trendy. Today if both aren’t pierced in order to obtain the
symmetrical look, your sexuality will come into question: As in your utter
lack of one. Hey, we don’t make the rules – those smug double-nosed
pierced bastards at GQ do!
Loafers with the wrong accoutrements
Loafers without attitude don’t work. Loafers with a punk hairdo don’t
work. Loafers without socks are apparently worse than masturbating in front of
your grandmother while strangling a puppy. And if you’re thinking of wearing
loafers with a sweater around your neck then just go and hang yourself. Oh,
and according to those in the know, most loafers don’t breathe well. What
are the right accoutrements to wear with loafers? Well, GQ isn’t
going to tell you that! Then who would they have to snicker at, hmm?
Dali waxed moustache
Apparently the Daliesque mustache
is as dead as fur lined maggots in a barrel of fish, and even deader than a "surreal
estate" joke. Best
bet is stay clear of facial hair all round. But feel free to wear a melted
clock around your neck – those are hot, hot, hot!
If you must stuff – use the
codpiece. It’s back and it’s “bigger” than ever. So put on your tight
fitting breeches and attach the pouch at the crotch. Like the plague and
syphilis, the codpiece is a timeless classic!
Just kidding. Don't wear it. It's hideous.
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