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August 11

World’s 10 Most Powerful Superwomen

Our very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done. We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.  

1. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire

She is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and can live on the sun.

With her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the "Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of Absolute Power!” 

2. Wu Yi
Vice Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly

Having risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong, Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out traitors.

Yulia Tymoshenko
Prime Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips

This supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!

4. Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator US
Superpower – Opportunistic Powers

Having finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!

5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman

Chief executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph

As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her. Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase, “I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic. 

6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control

With a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her kryptonite.

7. Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!

With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets, wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original "psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!

8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons

Having saved her family pizzeria from the “Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak! 

9. Nicole Richie 
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman

“Able To Withstand Large Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”

Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon, but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.

10. The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot

The most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay! 

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