"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
Morally Outraged Senator –
– Opportunistic Powers
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
(to the top)
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