"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 9
Frankenstein’s Monster Supports
Bush On Stem Cells
”Me think George Bush is right to not want stem cells!”
U.S. President George Bush continues to
reaffirm his opposition to any legislation that would allow more federal money
to be spent on embryonic stem cell research.
"Because I have not been
personally affected and don’t know anyone close to me who is suffering from diseases
like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, and who could consequently benefit from
breakthrough treatments that stem cell research could provide, I
am confident I have done the right thing,” the president said.
While he has many detractors
(save those with extreme Christian views), one spunky fellow was more than
happy to speak up for his old drinking buddy.
Frankenstein’s Monster, the hideous creature
stitched together by carcasses of the dead, has long been a vocal critic of
cloning and stem cell research. “Me think that Senate Majority Leader Bill
Frist, is wrong. Me crush and kill him! He make Frankenstein mad like fire
does! Me think George Bush do good thing.”
The monster then left for his hotel room where he was later spotted roaring
from his balcony at the people below.
This Week’s Featured Album:
12 Top Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One.
1. Love in a Bomb Shelter – The Swell
Gang
2. I’m Always On The Lookout (For Communists) – The Good Citizens
3. The Segregation Dance – The Righteous Teen Beats
4. I Love You Barbara Billingsley – The Beaver Boys
5. Without A Family, A Woman Is Nothing – 4 Neat Fellas
6. She’s The Bad Girl From The Hygiene Films – The Gay Guys
Side Two.
1. Insipid America – The Malt Shop
Band
2. The Repressed Song (Keep Smiling, Keep Smiling!) – The Keen Church
Goers
3. Never Met a Black Person, Never Met a Jew – Bobby Smith and
Friends
4. That Gal of Mine (Really Knows Her Place!) – Smiling Eddie and The
Squirrels
5. My Nuclear Family Doesn’t Include The Portuguese Maid – The Doo-Wops
6. Cold War Girl, Let Me Heat You Up – Fabulous Johnny and 23 Skidoo
Hey Guys and Gals get ready for 12 of the kookiest, nuttiest, hippest, and
most neato songs this side of squares-ville. If you like conforming, personal
hygiene, and being a good American citizen than this album is for you. If not,
then you’re a degenerate and we hope you get shot and/or sent to jail (but
mostly, shot). This rocking album of rocking songs is just rocking! And it’s
the perfect benchmark for our generation: The best one there’ll ever be,
daddyo!
Almost as fun as McCarthyism and way
more interesting than worrying about some peoples' civil liberties, 12 Top
Hits features such destined to be classic bands like, The
Gay Guys and Smiling Eddie and The Squirrels. Bands we’ll be
hearing a lot more about, I can tell you that!
If you thought your leak free ballpoint
pen and the polio vaccine were something else, than get ready to Hula Hoop
your way to the Polypropylene jukebox and enjoy all the great songs on 12
Top Hits.
And remember kids, wash your face everyday,
pledge allegiance to the flag, go to church, and if you ever have any
urges to do anything un-American, then it’s perfectly okay to hang yourself.
Until then – have fun. (But just make
sure it’s OUR kind of Christian fun... You know, the boring kind.)
Jim Jones – The Burma Shave Man 1958
Cover photo: Ward Cleaver ©
1957 Conformity Records
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
That hideous creature that calls itself Erica Ehm is apparently polluting the
airwaves again – and using her kids to get on them... All is not well.
Taurus: Mars is... Oh there’s no time for that! Be warned that vile
thing that calls itself Erica Ehm is rearing its hideous head.
Gemini: A hasty decision is... Oh, who cares? The main thing is you
shouldn’t read the newspapers. There might be an article in them about that
revolting swamp-hag called Erica Ehm.
Cancer: Pining over the past is an exercise in futility and... Oh my
God! Erica Ehm has been breeding and wants to share the experience on
television – aggh!
Leo: It could be worse – you could be Erica Ehm.
Virgo: Your gag factor is set on high, avoid Erica Ehm.
Libra: You’re cool, right? And isn’t it nauseating to have that
troll Erica Ehm lump herself into the cool factor as well? Well she has –
and she isn’t.
Scorpio: Mars in your chart does you a favour and slays that pox known as
Erica Ehm.
Sagittarius: Worrying about Erica Ehm is a vile waste of time – but
this she-skank is truly worth worrying about.
Capricorn: The most important thing to do today is write a letter to
the people who have put Erica Ehm and her snotty kids on the airwaves and tell
them you will boycott their station and advertisers until she is off. Do some
good!
Aquarius: Like everyone, you are eager to assassinate Erica Ehm – but
that’s against the law. So don’t do it (wink, wink).
Pisces: Your efforts to rid the world of Erica Ehm are greatly
appreciated.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
Today Tom Cruise Does Nothing:
And It’s Still Weird & Creepy!
That is all for Tommy today...
Hot Dog
EXT.
STREET -- AFTERNOON
Business
men, MITCH and TED with hot dogs.
MITCH:
So costs are down and things are looking up for the next quarter.
TED:
Yes I read you report. Hey, lets go over there and eat.
MITCH:
It's nice to be able to eat outside.
TED:
Yes...well, it looks like I've got the bigger hot dog.
MITCH:
What?
TED:
My hot dog. It's bigger than
yours...longer and thicker.
MITCH:
No it isn't, they're the same.
TED:
Hmm? No they're not. Look I'm not trying to boast or embarrass you but the fact of
the matter is that my hot dog is bigger and thicker. I've got a very large hot dog.
MITCH:
I'm sorry to contradict you but in fact my hot dog is a lot longer than yours,
it'll probably last longer and be more satisfying too.
TED:
It looks burnt, and it's shriveled as well.
MITCH:
Pardon me?
TED:
Your hot dog, it's burnt, the skin is all dry and shriveled and it has shrunk
to probably four fifths of it's intended size. Why it looks like it just came
out of the bath. Whereas mine is
ripe. See the way it shimmers in
the sunlight, it glistens and that's because it is engorged.
MITCH:
Engorged? It looks limp and
soggy.
TED:
No it isn't.
MITCH:
Now mine is very hard. I like a
hard hot dog, soggy dogs are no good at all.
TED:
Now while it's true that my hot dog may not be an ancient relic like yours, it
is very firm. Firm and giving,
giving to the touch. It is supple
yet rigid just the way a good hot dog should be.
MITCH:
Soggy my friend, definitely limp. I
mean it's just drooping over like a...
TED:
Like a what?
MITCH:
Like an over cooked hot dog. Now
you see how mine is tight in the bun, it nestles between the folds and seems
to fit perfectly.
TED:
So does mine.
MITCH:
No, no yours is wedged harshly in. You
see, your bun hasn't really opened and allowed the dog to gently slip in, and
that's because my bun is moist and yours is not.
TED:
My bun is exceptionally moist.
MITCH:
Then why doesn't your hot dog slip into it like mine?
TED:
It will, it just needs time for the heat of the hot dog to warm the bun and
allow to slide down.
MITCH:
Maybe. But I doubt it. I mean look at mine, and then look at yours.
Mine has a nice hearty splash of mustard, lots and lots, whereas yours
has hardly any.
TED:
I don't need any sauces or condiments to enjoy my dog.
MITCH:
But it will be tasteless and bland whereas mine will excite and arouse my
taste buds. I'll probably savor
the meal for days while you will have had a dry, cheap experience that means
nothing.
TED:
Well what do expect? I picked it
up cheap on the corner. Oh for
God's sake, stop teasing me and let me have a bite of yours.
Ted
leans over and takes a large bite of Mitch's hot dog.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rock
stars baldness
the pope is satan
my pope hat is bigger than your pope hat
pope groupies
we got a right to pick a little fight bonanza
captain crunch roof of mouth
gory cat journal
taking a pie in the face
how to stop scientology poisoning my brother
i wanna be a porn star
Only
137 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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