"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 6
Only
140 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
Gina Loves Her Crisps
Gina Gough, the woman who ate 15 bags of
potato chips a day for three years and was ultimately hospitalize is expected
to make a full recovery. For the record, I would
like to extend my sympathies to all potato chips, living and dead. And a
special heartfelt one to those that Gina "the human vacuum" gobbled
up. We barely knew ya, fellas!
Child
Obesity
An alarming report from Statistics Canada
says that one out of every three children are obese and are at great risk of
contracting diseases such as high blood
pressure, diabetes, soaring cholesterol levels, and many more. But on the plus
side – fat kids are funny.
West
Nile in Manitoba
Manitoba has ordered mosquito fogging in rural
communities, expanding the use of the controversial chemical malathion to
prevent the spread of West Nile virus. Provincial health officials are also
recommending that all citizens cover themselves in mosquito repellent. And
while they warn that getting it in your mouth could kill you, people should be
fine if they just rub it into their faces, arms, torso and legs.
Hot Dog
EXT.
STREET -- AFTERNOON
Business
men, MITCH and TED with hot dogs.
MITCH:
So costs are down and things are looking up for the next quarter.
TED:
Yes I read you report. Hey, lets go over there and eat.
MITCH:
It's nice to be able to eat outside.
TED:
Yes...well, it looks like I've got the bigger hot dog.
MITCH:
What?
TED:
My hot dog. It's bigger than
yours...longer and thicker.
MITCH:
No it isn't, they're the same.
TED:
Hmm? No they're not. Look I'm not trying to boast or embarrass you but the fact of
the matter is that my hot dog is bigger and thicker. I've got a very large hot dog.
MITCH:
I'm sorry to contradict you but in fact my hot dog is a lot longer than yours,
it'll probably last longer and be more satisfying too.
TED:
It looks burnt, and it's shriveled as well.
MITCH:
Pardon me?
TED:
Your hot dog, it's burnt, the skin is all dry and shriveled and it has shrunk
to probably four fifths of it's intended size. Why it looks like it just came
out of the bath. Whereas mine is
ripe. See the way it shimmers in
the sunlight, it glistens and that's because it is engorged.
MITCH:
Engorged? It looks limp and
soggy.
TED:
No it isn't.
MITCH:
Now mine is very hard. I like a
hard hot dog, soggy dogs are no good at all.
TED:
Now while it's true that my hot dog may not be an ancient relic like yours, it
is very firm. Firm and giving,
giving to the touch. It is supple
yet rigid just the way a good hot dog should be.
MITCH:
Soggy my friend, definitely limp. I
mean it's just drooping over like a...
TED:
Like a what?
MITCH:
Like an over cooked hot dog. Now
you see how mine is tight in the bun, it nestles between the folds and seems
to fit perfectly.
TED:
So does mine.
MITCH:
No, no yours is wedged harshly in. You
see, your bun hasn't really opened and allowed the dog to gently slip in, and
that's because my bun is moist and yours is not.
TED:
My bun is exceptionally moist.
MITCH:
Then why doesn't your hot dog slip into it like mine?
TED:
It will, it just needs time for the heat of the hot dog to warm the bun and
allow to slide down.
MITCH:
Maybe. But I doubt it. I mean look at mine, and then look at yours.
Mine has a nice hearty splash of mustard, lots and lots, whereas yours
has hardly any.
TED:
I don't need any sauces or condiments to enjoy my dog.
MITCH:
But it will be tasteless and bland whereas mine will excite and arouse my
taste buds. I'll probably savor
the meal for days while you will have had a dry, cheap experience that means
nothing.
TED:
Well what do expect? I picked it
up cheap on the corner. Oh for
God's sake, stop teasing me and let me have a bite of yours.
Ted
leans over and takes a large bite of Mitch's hot dog.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
It’s as if you’re waking up from wonderful and long sleep and remembering
what was once important to you. Having remembered, you can now close your eyes
and nod back off.
Taurus: “We invite trouble when we strive to hard to avoid it,” is
a phrase that some might think has merit, personally, we prefer, “let’s
get naked and party.”
Gemini: You’re having hard a time to trying figure things out. This
yours confusion of likely stems from not attention paying. Or it could be else
something.
Cancer: Is it “You’re the man”? Or “You the man”? Either way
it goes you aren’t or ain’t.
Leo: You will continue to view truffles as various fleshy, ascomycetous,
edible fungi, chiefly of the genus Tuber, that grow underground on or
near the roots of trees and are valued as a delicacy.
Virgo: You attempt at disseminating valuable information is
discombobulating your cranium and that’s because the vertebrate in your
central nervous system that is enclosed within the cranium is quiescent.
Hope that clears things up!
Libra: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. The road to my
house is paved with tar. Think about it.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: This is one of the best days of the year – for everyone
but you.
Capricorn: You are laughing all the way to the bank. Then when you get
there and check your balance, you burst out crying.
Aquarius: Are your standards too precious to be compromised? Hell, no.
So start compromising!
Pisces: By holding firmly to certain expectations, no one can live up to
your high standards. And that makes them all terrible disappointments.
You win again!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
Tommy Cruiser & “Jumping The Couch”
Tommy
Cruiser’s chair dancing display on Oprah's chat show made such an impact on
pop culture that "jumping the couch" has now become a well-used
phrase.
It was recently added to the website UrbanDictionary.com.
Finally,
Tom Cruise makes a meaningful contribution to pop culture!
The
definition of the term jump the couch reads: "The defining moment when an
overrated actor and closet homosexual goes off the deep end and soils
themselves.”
Sample
usage: “My Scientology, closet homo boyfriend Benny... jumped the couch and
started fisting the turkey while at my family reunion."
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Let Me Touch Him
The
Ministers Quartet
Liner Notes.
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kid’s Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh
golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album. Why, they
even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God bless Dan,
Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever met. It sure
as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped up charges,
but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for them. The
problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always suspected as
much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and gosh darn it,
that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in their minds
that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers, that’s just
hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t. Just because a
song is called, “Ooops,
I Diddled It Again” doesn’t mean that it’s about the guilt associated
with sodomizing a series of teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these
police officers and fancy pants, high priced, district attorneys get their
ideas. Definitely not from church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked against the
fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a lawyer –
which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was willing to give
a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from Dan last
week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen there.
Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who likes to
go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all about.
Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables under his
plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him more
pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and Dick
slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that Wilson accidentally
cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance salesman/lawyer, I know
all about the dangers around the home. That’s why it’s important to have a
full home insurance policy. If you don’t have insurance, you should give me
a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a better job of helping you then I
did helping my friends from The Ministers Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
am so stoned
how to make a bunt cake
katie holmes purification
enormous balls gallery
belleview asylum
monkey with no teeth
find george bush's pant zipper
pope rock music
whoopee cushion address canada
wayne gretzky sucks
(to the top)
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