"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 3
”Jake can kiss
my smelly butt,” says Poo-Poo
Dog Beats Most People in
Swim Race But Is Still Rabidly Disliked by Humans and Other Dogs
One of the swimmers in this weekend’s
Alcatraz Invitational swim has dog paddled his way into the record book but not
into our hearts.
Jake, a 65-pound, flea-bitten and possibly
rabid golden retriever with worms and a stink that has to be smelled to be
believed, was the only non-human in the tenth annual 1.2-mile swim from the
infamous prison island to the San Francisco shore.
Sore losers are already claiming that the four-year-old pooch had an edge
thanks to steroids.
“It’s not fair,” bellowed some fat,
hairy guy with a big mustache and who actually looked a little like a walrus,
“he’s got four legs and is pumped up on performance enhancing biscuits!”
Organizers say that when they tried to test
Jake for steroid use, the highly-strung mutt became vicious and started
“growling and biting.”
“There’s no way I was testing him,”
said one of the organizers, “I got close and he cocked a leg up. Hey, if I
want to get peed on, I’ll visit a hooker.”
The crowd cheered as Jake made his way onto
solid ground, but they were definitely put off when Jake shook himself dry all
over them and then humped a woman’s leg.
Jake’s owner, Jeff Pokonosky, says his
dog frightens him. “It’s not natural to be scared of your own dog, but may
God have mercy on my soul – I am, I am!”
Jake’s
doggy friends are even less impressed, “Jake,” scoffs Poo-Poo a toy
poodle, “may impress some, but ask around the canine community and you’ll
hear another story: One of murder, romance and greed. As far as I’m
concerned, Jake can kiss my smelly butt.”
CONFIRMING
WHAT WE ALL SUSPECTED
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: Just because you think something is funny does
not mean other people will find it hilarious. They are morons who don’t
understand the subtlety of your coconut cream pies, whoopee cushions and
dribble glasses.
Taurus: See
above and include fake vomit into the mix.
Gemini: You need to take a less forceful approach to dealing with your
cat. The fact is it’s never going to like you or follow your commands. Come
to terms with this, okay?
Cancer: You have the spleen of a duck and the swimming skills of a lame
duck.
Leo: You will continue to view balloons as flexible bags
designed to be inflated with hot air or with a gas, causing them to rise and
float in the atmosphere. Oh, and a clown is destined to scare you today.
Virgo: As we try and wrestle with the complexities of life and the
apparent obstacles it puts before us, we... Wait a sec, what’s with this
“we?” You’re on your own, pal.
Libra: Knowledge is power and toast is boring. Use your knowledge to
make toast more exciting – or don’t. What do I care?
Scorpio: It might be tempting to cut corners and as you’re easily
tempted, I think we know where this is going...
Sagittarius: Venus in your sign means nothing. But here’s some
exciting news, today you will... Nope, sorry that’s Capricorn.
Capricorn: Hey, it could be worse, you could be a Sagittarius.
Aquarius: Venus, planet of affection, in your opposite sign of Virgo
means, no, wait, hang on that’s Pisces. All that’s in store for you today
is more of the same – sorry...
Pisces: You will see a pretty middling joke get milked to death. Hey, it
could be worse, you could be an Aquarius or even worse – a Sagittarius.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
New Tommy Cruiser Revelation
– He’s Insecure and Weird!
Canned ham, Tommy Cruiser
apparently told Jamie Foxx that he's depressed, can’t stand being alone with
himself, and that recently a group of school kids taunted him, crying out,
“We can’t believe we used to think you were cool!”
“They pelted rocks and
garbage at me,” Tommy reportedly whimpered.
Foxx, while promoting his just awful, and I
mean really, really, really, terrible new film “Stealth,” said that Cruise
revealed to him why he got engaged to Katie Holmes so soon after splitting
from Penelope Cruz. According to Foxx, Cruise told him, “It’s important
everyone thinks I’m straight. Now slide over here and kiss me! Please, I
just need someone to hold me tonight!”
But Foxx had high praise for Cruise, who is slated to marry a sex he finds
repellent.
“Tom Cruise is like the Michael Jordan of acting,” Foxx said of his
“Collateral” co-star. “Well, maybe not quite as good an actor as Michael
Jordan, or as tall, or as black, or hetero, definitely not as hetero, ha, hey
where was I going with this?”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Let Me Touch Him
The
Ministers Quartet
Liner Notes.
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kid’s Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh
golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album. Why, they
even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God bless Dan,
Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever met. It sure
as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped up charges,
but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for them. The
problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always suspected as
much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and gosh darn it,
that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in their minds
that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers, that’s just
hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t. Just because a
song is called, “Ooops,
I Diddled It Again” doesn’t mean that it’s about the guilt associated
with sodomizing a series of teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these
police officers and fancy pants, high priced, district attorneys get their
ideas. Definitely not from church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked against the
fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a lawyer –
which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was willing to give
a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from Dan last
week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen there.
Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who likes to
go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all about.
Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables under his
plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him more
pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and Dick
slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that Wilson accidentally
cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance salesman/lawyer, I know
all about the dangers around the home. That’s why it’s important to have a
full home insurance policy. If you don’t have insurance, you should give me
a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a better job of helping you then I
did helping my friends from The Ministers Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
Still Working?
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Dave
enters the Boss's office.
BOSS:
Ah Dave, glad you could make it up here so fast.
I have a question for you. How
would you like a raise? Say a
hundred thousand a year and all the perks you can eat?
DAVE:
Like it?
I'd love it!
BOSS:
Well you'll never get it here.
Pack up and get out. You're
fired.
DAVE:
Fired?
What did I do?
BOSS:
Nothing.
I just felt like exercising my power in a completely arbitrary manner
and you were the first person I saw in the parking lot.
Get the Hell out of here.
DAVE:
But you can't just fire me on a whim.
BOSS:
You know, you're right. Take two
weeks off, full pay and forget I ever mentioned it.
DAVE:
Thank you.
BOSS:
You're welcome...but before you leave, tell me...tell me you'd eat grass if I
told you to. Better yet, go
outside and eat some grass. I can
watch you from my window.
DAVE:
Mr. Heldon, I still have my pride.
BOSS:
Really? I'll tell you what.
I'll give you five thousand dollars for it.
I'll give you five thousand dollars if you eat grass and...wear your
underwear on your head all afternoon.
DAVE:
Go to Hell.
BOSS:
Then you're fired again...No, no you're not...yes, yes you are.
DAVE:
Let me make this easy for you. I
quit.
BOSS:
Wait...come back.
How about this? You leave my office right now and go back to work and I'll
ask nothing of you. We'll just
forget this ever happened.
DAVE:
I don't know...alright.
BOSS:
You're fired.
DAVE:
Fine! Goodbye!
BOSS:
Hold it...I mean it this time.
Go now, back to work and we'll forget all of this ever happened.
DAVE:
How can I believe you?
You're just toying with me.
BOSS:
You're right and I apologize.
Tell you what, I'm going to give you a raise.
A modest raise.
DAVE:
Alright...
BOSS:
I'll give you a modest raise provided I can call you a piece of shit before
you go back to work.
DAVE:
That's it! I quit!
I wouldn't work for you if this was the only job on the planet.
BOSS:
Not even if I gave you a company car?
DAVE:
Screw your car.
BOSS:
You know Dave, you're the only person who's ever stood up to me like this and
I'd like to say thank you.
DAVE:
I don't believe you. You're not
going to suck me in again. I have
my pride.
BOSS:
I know that Dave and I'm not going to
try and convince you to stay, all I ask is that you listen to one proposal.
You can walk out of here with two weeks severance pay and your pride or
you can walk out of here with two years severance pay in a dress...In a dress
singing 'I'm in the mood for Love.'
DAVE:
Goodbye.
BOSS:
Wait, Dave. I'm writing you a
cheque for two hundred, no half a million, and all you have to do is swallow
your pride, get down on your hands and knees and tell me I'm a God to you and
that if you were a woman you'd want me. The
beg for your job back, and I mean grovel.
Tears, Dave, I want tears. Do
that and this cheque is yours.
DAVE:
Alright...Sir, you are a God to me...
BOSS:
I've changed my mind. Get the
hell out, you're fired.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
am so stoned
how to make a bunt cake
katie holmes purification
enormous balls gallery
belleview asylum
monkey with no teeth
find george bush's pant zipper
pope rock music
whoopee cushion address canada
wayne gretzky sucks
(to the top)
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