"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 1 (Rabbits!)
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Let Me Touch Him
The
Ministers Quartet
Liner Notes.
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kid’s Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh
golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album. Why, they
even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God bless Dan,
Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever met. It sure
as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped up charges,
but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for them. The
problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always suspected as
much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and gosh darn it,
that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in their minds
that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers, that’s just
hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t. Just because a
song is called, “Ooops,
I Diddled It Again” doesn’t mean that it’s about the guilt associated
with sodomizing a series of teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these
police officers and fancy pants, high priced, district attorneys get their
ideas. Definitely not from church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked against the
fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a lawyer –
which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was willing to give
a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from Dan last
week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen there.
Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who likes to
go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all about.
Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables under his
plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him more
pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and Dick
slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that Wilson accidentally
cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance salesman/lawyer, I know
all about the dangers around the home. That’s why it’s important to have a
full home insurance policy. If you don’t have insurance, you should give me
a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a better job of helping you then I
did helping my friends from The Ministers Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: You won’t be
regaled by a magnificent performance if you give someone with no musical
ability a grand piano. But you will throw out your back moving it. Buy ‘em a
kazoo instead.
Taurus: No
one muddles along like you!
Gemini: See abobe. And
after you’ve tried to figure out what the hell “abobe” means, then
“see above.”
Cancer: Your job makes you feel ill.
Leo: Your lack of a job makes you feel ill.
Virgo: Feeling ill is your middle name and that makes you feel ill.
Libra: You feel ill at very thought of feeling ill.
Scorpio: Choose which way of feeling ill (from “abobe”) best describes
you.
Sagittarius: You are keenly aware of your own needs – hey, there’s
a newsflash!
Capricorn: There are clearly advantages to playing the fool. Describe
them in 500 words.
Aquarius: Your brain is humming like an overloaded electrical circuit,
prepare for lots of mental brown outs.
Pisces: Oh my goodness – you’re sober!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily
Updates)
Tom “Gay Rumours” Won’t Go Away
Matchbox 20’s Rob
Thomas is refuting rumours that his wife discovered him in bed with the
Cruiser. Thomas is quoted as saying “If I was gay, Tom Cruise wouldn’t be
on the top of my list. He’d be on top of my face!”
Later he admitted though that Cruise is
“6 beers good” which also, “just happened to be the number I had drank
that night when I had sex with Tom.”
Cruise for his part is still vehemently
denying his homosexuality and is in a tiff about the recent cold sores and
face rash that his sham bride/drone, Katie Holmes is now sporting.
Some say they were caused by a purification process, however Tommy says,
”Whatever is on Katie’s face has nothing to do with me; in fact,
whatever’s on her body is, frankly, kind of repulsive to me. That is unless
you put a hot male model on her. Yum, I could for one of those. Okay, I’ve
said too much. Go! This interview is over!”
Still Working?
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Dave
enters the Boss's office.
BOSS:
Ah Dave, glad you could make it up here so fast.
I have a question for you. How
would you like a raise? Say a
hundred thousand a year and all the perks you can eat?
DAVE:
Like it?
I'd love it!
BOSS:
Well you'll never get it here.
Pack up and get out. You're
fired.
DAVE:
Fired?
What did I do?
BOSS:
Nothing.
I just felt like exercising my power in a completely arbitrary manner
and you were the first person I saw in the parking lot.
Get the Hell out of here.
DAVE:
But you can't just fire me on a whim.
BOSS:
You know, you're right. Take two
weeks off, full pay and forget I ever mentioned it.
DAVE:
Thank you.
BOSS:
You're welcome...but before you leave, tell me...tell me you'd eat grass if I
told you to. Better yet, go
outside and eat some grass. I can
watch you from my window.
DAVE:
Mr. Heldon, I still have my pride.
BOSS:
Really? I'll tell you what.
I'll give you five thousand dollars for it.
I'll give you five thousand dollars if you eat grass and...wear your
underwear on your head all afternoon.
DAVE:
Go to Hell.
BOSS:
Then you're fired again...No, no you're not...yes, yes you are.
DAVE:
Let me make this easy for you. I
quit.
BOSS:
Wait...come back.
How about this? You leave my office right now and go back to work and I'll
ask nothing of you. We'll just
forget this ever happened.
DAVE:
I don't know...alright.
BOSS:
You're fired.
DAVE:
Fine! Goodbye!
BOSS:
Hold it...I mean it this time.
Go now, back to work and we'll forget all of this ever happened.
DAVE:
How can I believe you?
You're just toying with me.
BOSS:
You're right and I apologize.
Tell you what, I'm going to give you a raise.
A modest raise.
DAVE:
Alright...
BOSS:
I'll give you a modest raise provided I can call you a piece of shit before
you go back to work.
DAVE:
That's it! I quit!
I wouldn't work for you if this was the only job on the planet.
BOSS:
Not even if I gave you a company car?
DAVE:
Screw your car.
BOSS:
You know Dave, you're the only person who's ever stood up to me like this and
I'd like to say thank you.
DAVE:
I don't believe you. You're not
going to suck me in again. I have
my pride.
BOSS:
I know that Dave and I'm not going to
try and convince you to stay, all I ask is that you listen to one proposal.
You can walk out of here with two weeks severance pay and your pride or
you can walk out of here with two years severance pay in a dress...In a dress
singing 'I'm in the mood for Love.'
DAVE:
Goodbye.
BOSS:
Wait, Dave. I'm writing you a
cheque for two hundred, no half a million, and all you have to do is swallow
your pride, get down on your hands and knees and tell me I'm a God to you and
that if you were a woman you'd want me. The
beg for your job back, and I mean grovel.
Tears, Dave, I want tears. Do
that and this cheque is yours.
DAVE:
Alright...Sir, you are a God to me...
BOSS:
I've changed my mind. Get the
hell out, you're fired.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
am so stoned
how to make a bunt cake
katie holmes purification
enormous balls gallery
belleview asylum
monkey with no teeth
find george bush's pant zipper
pope rock music
whoopee cushion address canada
wayne gretzky sucks
(to the top)
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