"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

10 Movie Monsters From Way Back – Where Are They Now?  

The streets of Monster Island are littered with the broken dreams of wanna be movie monsters who gave it a shot but crashed and burned as only a movie monster can… 

Thanks to fleeting B-Movie fame, these creatures were mostly consigned to one glorious moment in the radioactive sun and then cast away to an ignoble and usually unintentionally comical end.  

Oh sure, it looked glamorous enough; what with the easy money and all the humans they could eat, but showbiz is brutal and even if you’re 500 feet tall, Hollywood can crush dreams like, well, a movie monster can crush an army tank…  So, what became of these things? Where are they today?  Much like the movies they starred in, the answers ain’t always pretty…

MONSTER: The Ymir
MOVIE: Twenty Million Miles To Earth (1957)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A creature from Venus, brought back by astronauts. He begins life as less than a foot in height. The earth’s atmosphere causes him to grow to “outlandish proportions.” Visits Rome, where he fights and kills an elephant and scares the pasta out of the locals.  Peaceful unless roused.  Ymir gets shot off the Coliseum. Clearly, it had been roused.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?  Living in a Retirement Home for Movie Monsters. Suffers from osteoporosis.  Surprisingly upbeat. His only sore spot about his show biz experience is his brief sex fling with co-star William Hopper’s mother, the rampageous gossip columnist, Hedda Hopper, who terrorized Hollywood with her muckraking column and demands that movie stars behave in a "decent, respectable" fashion (read: no sex for anyone, unless it's matrimonial) or she'd ruin their careers.   

The Ymir’s blog, “Hedda Hopper – Total Bitch” (www.ihatehedda.com) is filled with his droll, often merciless and always rambling screeds, memories and insights on the woman.  

“She was a way more aggressive monster than I ever was,” The Ymir says while sipping on a glass of Pink Champagne, “and she was a hypocrite.  She injected morphine and slept with every Movie Monster in Hollywood and Japan.  We were pretty hot and heavy at one point and then she tossed me aside and wrote an article claiming I was a flaming homo.  Bitch.  Suffice to say there was no Twenty Million Miles to Earth sequel.”

After the movie’s release  Reptilicus wrote a soft-core paperback novelization of the story that sold well. A sample of his writing abilities: "She stood still momentarily, letting him look at her perfect breasts...in a matter of seconds his clothes were strewn all over the room..." 

From there he moved into writing, directing, and starring in his self produced porn films. “I never looked back,” Reptilicus says, “unless, of course, I had to in one of my movies.  Ha, ha!”  

A deranged scientist uses an evolutionary serum from a rare plant, transforming a little monkey into a King Kong knockoff, which then proceeds to terrorize London, scaring the bangers and mash right out of the locals.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?  After Konga was killed in a hail of bullets beside Big Ben, he reverted back to chimp form. 

These days he’s a mild mannered primate living in a small flat in suburban London.  The bowler hat wearing chimp is polite, but guarded about his past. When bribed with a bunch of bananas, he tells the usual movie monster litany of woe: Of never getting paid, draconian working conditions, and producers that made him cry.  He just wants to be left alone, to carry on using his opposable thumbs, and to keep trying to blend in as regular Englishman.  No easy feat considering that in order to succeed at this he must shave himself 15 times a day.   

“I was the monster that started the giant beast craze,” The Rhedosaurus boasts while pounding its now pigeon shaped chest. “I was the first film to take advantage of the country’s paranoia regarding bomb culture. Me! But where am I in the scheme of things? A footnote at best! Conflab it, it ain’t right. And movies today. Dag-nab-it – trash! All those probing tongues, naked bodies, and fornicating. It’s Satan’s work… We’re breeding a nation of whores, harlots, harridans, homos, infidels and not enough bomb paranoia culture. They’re all going to hell in a hand basket. And another thing…”   

MONSTER: The Deadly Mantis
MOVIE: The Deadly Mantis (1957)
QUICK BACKGROUND:  A prehistoric preying mantis of massive dimensions, it was thawed out of the arctic ice, scares the blubber out of some perturbed Eskimos, and wends its way skyward toward New York. There the army gasses the big bastard back to extinction. Or did they?
WHERE IS IT TODAY?  Yup, they did: Deadly Mantis. Born 1957.  Died 1957.


MONSTER: Tarantula
MOVIE: Tarantula (1956)
QUICK BACKGROUND:  A mad scientist creates a giant spider that roams the deserts of New Mexico and scares the beans and coffee out of the local ranch hands. It gets torched by napalm lobbed by pre-stardom fighter pilot Clint Eastwood.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?  “Don’t talk to me about Eastwood,” Tarantula says, “Oh, and I also won’t talk about how I was barely in a movie that starred me.  Can you believe that? And I ain’t going to comment on the theory that big spiders have plenty of image but not much actual personality, except to say this – bullshit! Jesus, I studied The Method, worked Off-Broadway for years and one lousy movie destroys my entire acting career. Look at me now! My cultural significance is that I’m mentioned in the opening song of that god awful Rocky Horror Picture Show."


MONSTER: Gwangi
MOVIE: The Valley of Gwangi (1969)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A hybrid of T-Rex and allosaurus who reigns over a desert valley in 1915 Mexico.  Gwangi is captured by a wild west show and is taken to Mexico city to be put in a sideshow. There he escapes, fights and kills an elephant, and scares the pinto beans out of the locals.  Gwangi meets a fiery end inside a burning cathedral. (The only scene in film history where a dinosaur goes to church.)
WHERE IS HE TODAY?  “Being a hybrid between a T-Rex and an allosaurus was probably the original reason for my identity crisis,” Gwangi says, “making that movie really brought out my latent homosexuality.  I mean, my God, so many cowboys – and all that rope!”

An advocate for Homosexual Movie Monsters, Gwangi defends his outing of other monsters.

“Look, a lot of movie monsters are queer and unless they admit it to themselves and the public they’re not doing themselves any favors. “

Gwangi admits gay Movie Monsters still have a long way to go but they are making strides. “I was thrilled when I learned that King Kong had signed to star in the sequel to La Cage aux Folles. He was considering the sequel to Brokeback Mountain! But, hello, that’s so done.  Still, Kong’s the best.  Did you see how well he faked it with Naomi Watts in the Jackson flick? I adore him.  It’s like we gay monsters say: Once you’ve gone Kong, everything else just feels wrong.”


MONSTER: Gorgo
MOVIE: Gorgo (1961)
QUICK BACKGROUND: A 50-foot Gorgosaurus is found in the Irish sea where he’s scaring the Guinness out of the locals. Brought to a London sideshow by some enterprising fisherman. Enter mother Gorgo, who is 500 feet tall and suffers no nonsense as she searches for her infant.  Mom destroys London, kills many a  Brit, collects junior, and goes back to the sea.  Bloody right!
WHERE ARE THEY TODAY?  Mom died of alcohol poisoning and Gorgo Jr. is homeless and living on the streets of, all places, Toronto. 

Despite his sad state he remains upbeat and cherishes his deluded memories of his time in the business.

"Movie monsters today are hopeless” he says while begging for change, “back in my day, we gave kids plenty of bang for their buck. While filming my movie we actually destroyed Big Ben, Piccadilly Circus, the underground tube, and miles and miles of English architecture, and we actually killed the extras.  It really added to the authenticity. At least I think we destroyed all that stuff and killed all those British wankers. I dunno, I get confused when I’m off my meds.  But I gotta tell ya, those bloodthirsty little moviegoer kids cheered with gusto when me and mom won the fight with humanity and returned to the ocean without a scratch on us. No lie, they cheered for us! And we were attacked with every kind of firepower the British army had to offer! Which isn’t saying a lot, but still…”  


MONSTER: The 50-Foot Woman
MOVIE: Attack of the 50-Foot Woman (1958)QUICK BACKGROUND:   Before: Nancy Archer (a hard-living, well-stacked heiress who is married to fortune-hunting Harry and nags the crap out of him about his illicit doings with local tramp Honey Parker) is irradiated by a giant alien.  
After:  Nancy grows big, goes on a rampage, and tears up the town, scaring the shit out of the locals while looking for Harry and Honey. Honey is reduced to floozy mulch; Nancy and Harry are electrocuted in the big finale.
WHERE IS SHE TODAY?  Horror headliner Allison Hayes, (aka: The 50 Foot Woman), was, in fact, an accomplished pianist (really!).  Like all very tall and accomplished pianists she sidelined as a movie monster to pay the rent.

These days, like all old ladies, she has shrunk. Today she clocks in at a mere 37 feet.  She is also a recluse who has refused to be interviewed and is surprising hard to find! 

Legend has it that while making the grade Z film, The Gunslinger (1956) for Roger Corman, she reportedly asked the schlock producer, “Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture?”

This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com   (really!)

horny plant
how to cheat on income tax
big breasted polish
how tall is vice premier wu yi
world's biggest ant
how do lesbians have sex with each other
plumber's crack images
gay rabbit
how to erect a beanstalk rack
pantomime wearing diaper

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 250 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

(to the top)

To read all the other mildly exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit

"Avery's Journal Archives"

	Avery's Journal
	Watch the Rants
	Who is this Guy?
	Avery in the News
	Contests & Promos
	Behind the Scenes
	For Broadcasters
	Press Room
	Contact Us

Send this site to your friend!