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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 14
10 Movie Monsters From Way Back – Where Are They Now? (Part 4 of 10
-- The Rhedosaurus)
The streets of
Monster Island are littered with the broken dreams of wanna be movie monsters
who gave it a shot but crashed and burned as only a movie monster can…
Thanks to fleeting
B-Movie fame, these creatures were mostly consigned to one glorious moment in
the radioactive sun and then cast away to an ignoble and usually unintentionally
comical end.
Oh sure, it looked
glamorous enough; what with the easy money and all the humans they could eat,
but showbiz is brutal and even if you’re 500 feet tall, Hollywood can crush
dreams like, well, a movie monster can crush an army tank… So, what became of
these things? Where are they today? Much like the movies they starred in, the
answers ain’t always pretty…
MONSTER: The Rhedosaurus
MOVIE: The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953)QUICK
BACKGROUND: The
Rhedosaurus is a prehistoric monster that makes its way from the arctic
wastelands to Coney Island, where it scares the Coney Island Fries right out of
the locals. A wrangle in a Coney Island rollercoaster structure occupies its
attention sufficiently to allow it to get shot in the throat with a radioactive
needle. WHERE IS HE
TODAY? Wizened,
raspy voiced, cantankerous, smelly, rambling, possibly senile and living with
his put upon kids, Rhedosaurus is a pale imitation of his former glory.
“I was
the monster that started the giant beast craze,” The Rhedosaurus boasts while
pounding its now pigeon shaped chest. “I was the first film to take advantage of
the country’s paranoia regarding bomb culture. Me! But where am I in the scheme
of things? A footnote at best! Conflab it, it ain’t right. And movies today. Dag-nab-it
– trash! All those probing tongues, naked bodies, and fornicating. It’s Satan’s
work… We’re breeding a nation of whores, harlots, harridans, homos, infidels and
not enough bomb paranoia culture. They’re all going to hell in a hand basket.
And another thing…”
April 13
MONSTER: Reptilicus
MOVIE: Reptilicus (1961)
QUICK BACKGROUND:
A gigantic flying
serpent who starred in a (cheap) Danish film (no lie, a cheap Danish film),
featuring Copenhagen as the target city of destruction, with Reptilicus scaring
the smorrebrod out of the locals.
WHERE IS IT
TODAY? After
the movie’s release he wrote a soft-core paperback novelization of the story
that sold well. A sample of his writing abilities: "She stood still
momentarily, letting him look at her perfect breasts...in a matter of seconds
his clothes were strewn all over the room..." From there he moved into
writing, directing, and starring in his self produced porn films. “I never
looked back,” he says, “unless, of course, I had to in one of my movies. Ha,
ha!”
April 12
MONSTER: The Crawling Eye
MOVIE: The Crawling Eye (1958; aka The Trollenberg Terror)
QUICK BACKGROUND:
A big slimy eye
the size of a Buick, it hails from outer space, slithers through the Swiss
mountains in a radioactive cloud, scares the cheese right out of the locals, and
looks fairly disgusting as these things go.
WHERE IS IT TODAY?
Blind thanks to
diabetes. The Crawling Eye lives in a run down, inner city apartment in Oklahoma
and spends its days fighting off its seeing-eye dog. “It’s always trying to
walk me into oncoming traffic or lunging after me and trying to tear out my
retina,” the Crawling Eye laments, “at least I think it’s my retina, I dunno, I
can’t see a thing. My life sucks.”
April 11
MONSTER: The Ymir
MOVIE: Twenty Million Miles To Earth (1957)
QUICK
BACKGROUND: A
creature from Venus, brought back by astronauts. He begins life as less than a
foot in height. The earth’s atmosphere causes him to grow to “outlandish
proportions.” Visits Rome, where he fights and kills an elephant and scares the
pasta out of the locals. Peaceful unless roused. Ymir gets shot off the
Coliseum. Clearly, it had been roused.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?
Living in a
Retirement Home for Movie Monsters. Suffers from osteoporosis. Surprisingly
upbeat. His only sore spot about his show biz experience is his brief sex fling
with co-star William Hopper’s mother, the rampageous gossip columnist, Hedda
Hopper, who terrorized Hollywood with her muckraking column and demands that
movie stars behave in a "decent, respectable" fashion (read: no sex for anyone,
unless it's matrimonial) or she'd ruin their careers.
The
Ymir’s blog, “Hedda Hopper – Total Bitch” (www.ihatehedda.com) is filled with
his droll, often merciless and always rambling screeds, memories and insights on
the woman.
“She was a way more
aggressive monster than I ever was,” The Ymir says while sipping on a glass of
Pink Champagne, “and she was a hypocrite. She injected morphine and slept with
every Movie Monster in Hollywood and Japan. We were pretty hot and heavy
at one point and then she tossed me aside and wrote an article claiming I was a
flaming homo. Bitch. Suffice to say there was no Twenty Million Miles to
Earth sequel.”
April 10
Nominal Hockey League 
Here
come the NHL playoffs and that means old time hockey – which, in the NHL
is a compliment – I guess that’s because new time hockey sucks. So, how was its
first year after the strike? They took away the red line: that was good. We
found out Wayne Gretzky is married to a gambling addict: that was even better!
We now have shootouts, which proved to be way more exciting than the actual
games. As for the money issue, the players are still obscenely rich, but no
longer disgustingly rich. The goalie equipment is smaller, and in a completely
unrelated incident, goaltender Jose Theodore is now taking steroids. Apparently
for hair lose: Something guys like him with their full heads of hair and now
much smaller catching gloves must really worry about! There was a 2 week Olympic
break that taught us that Finland and Sweden are now officially the two best
hockey teams in the world. Al hail Scandinavia! And then it was back to more of
the same “NHL, who the hell cares?” The NHL: The Nominal Hockey Lump. It can
make a goon like Todd Bertuzzi a star and then tear him down and vilify him and
then send him to the Olympics to redeem himself and
then tear him down again when he fails miserably. Ah, the circle of life on
ice.
April 7
The
National Anthem
Oh,
Canada
You used to be so cool
True, you were a joke
In other countries eyes
But with your gay rights
And cool pot laws
You’d make those countries see
That there’s more to us
In Canada
Then beer and hockey
But Harper’s here
We’ve joined the war
Scraped daycare, Kyoto, and much more,
Oh, Canada
You used to be so cool
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
soldiers are not supposed to be
soft and cuddly
gerbil daisies
how nicole richie lost weight
bright green urine
swallow nuclear bomb
shrinking woman
retro housewife
how to make pope costume
suck up phrases for your boss
ann coulter insanity
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 255
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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