"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
April 12
10 Movie Monsters From Way Back – Where Are They Now? (Part 2 of 10
-- The Crawling Eye)
The streets of
Monster Island are littered with the broken dreams of wanna be movie monsters
who gave it a shot but crashed and burned as only a movie monster can…
Thanks to fleeting
B-Movie fame, these creatures were mostly consigned to one glorious moment in
the radioactive sun and then cast away to an ignoble and usually unintentionally
comical end.
Oh sure, it looked
glamorous enough; what with the easy money and all the humans they could eat,
but showbiz is brutal and even if you’re 500 feet tall, Hollywood can crush
dreams like, well, a movie monster can crush an army tank… So, what became of
these things? Where are they today? Much like the movies they starred in, the
answers ain’t always pretty…
MONSTER: The Crawling Eye
MOVIE: The Crawling Eye (1958; aka The Trollenberg Terror)
QUICK BACKGROUND:
A big slimy eye
the size of a Buick, it hails from outer space, slithers through the Swiss
mountains in a radioactive cloud, scares the cheese right out of the locals, and
looks fairly disgusting as these things go.
WHERE IS IT TODAY?
Blind thanks to
diabetes. The Crawling Eye lives in a run down, inner city apartment in Oklahoma
and spends its days fighting off its seeing-eye dog. “It’s always trying to
walk me into oncoming traffic or lunging after me and trying to tear out my
retina,” the Crawling Eye laments, “at least I think it’s my retina, I dunno, I
can’t see a thing. My life sucks.”
April 11
MONSTER: The Ymir
MOVIE: Twenty Million Miles To Earth (1957)
QUICK
BACKGROUND: A
creature from Venus, brought back by astronauts. He begins life as less than a
foot in height. The earth’s atmosphere causes him to grow to “outlandish
proportions.” Visits Rome, where he fights and kills an elephant and scares the
pasta out of the locals. Peaceful unless roused. Ymir gets shot off the
Coliseum. Clearly, it had been roused.
WHERE IS HE TODAY?
Living in a
Retirement Home for Movie Monsters. Suffers from osteoporosis. Surprisingly
upbeat. His only sore spot about his show biz experience is his brief sex fling
with co-star William Hopper’s mother, the rampageous gossip columnist, Hedda
Hopper, who terrorized Hollywood with her muckraking column and demands that
movie stars behave in a "decent, respectable" fashion (read: no sex for anyone,
unless it's matrimonial) or she'd ruin their careers.
The
Ymir’s blog, “Hedda Hopper – Total Bitch” (www.ihatehedda.com) is filled with
his droll, often merciless and always rambling screeds, memories and insights on
the woman.
“She was a way more
aggressive monster than I ever was,” The Ymir says while sipping on a glass of
Pink Champagne, “and she was a hypocrite. She injected morphine and slept with
every Movie Monster in Hollywood and Japan. We were pretty hot and heavy
at one point and then she tossed me aside and wrote an article claiming I was a
flaming homo. Bitch. Suffice to say there was no Twenty Million Miles to
Earth sequel.”
April 10
Nominal Hockey League 
Here
come the NHL playoffs and that means old time hockey – which, in the NHL
is a compliment – I guess that’s because new time hockey sucks. So, how was its
first year after the strike? They took away the red line: that was good. We
found out Wayne Gretzky is married to a gambling addict: that was even better!
We now have shootouts, which proved to be way more exciting than the actual
games. As for the money issue, the players are still obscenely rich, but no
longer disgustingly rich. The goalie equipment is smaller, and in a completely
unrelated incident, goaltender Jose Theodore is now taking steroids. Apparently
for hair lose: Something guys like him with their full heads of hair and now
much smaller catching gloves must really worry about! There was a 2 week Olympic
break that taught us that Finland and Sweden are now officially the two best
hockey teams in the world. Al hail Scandinavia! And then it was back to more of
the same “NHL, who the hell cares?” The NHL: The Nominal Hockey Lump. It can
make a goon like Todd Bertuzzi a star and then tear him down and vilify him and
then send him to the Olympics to redeem himself and
then tear him down again when he fails miserably. Ah, the circle of life on
ice.
April 7
The
National Anthem
Oh,
Canada
You used to be so cool
True, you were a joke
In other countries eyes
But with your gay rights
And cool pot laws
You’d make those countries see
That there’s more to us
In Canada
Then beer and hockey
But Harper’s here
We’ve joined the war
Scraped daycare, Kyoto, and much more,
Oh, Canada
You used to be so cool
April 6
Proper Audience Response
Hey folks, I’d
like to present a brief dramatic demonstration on the proper way to react when
you see me on the street. Yes, the proper way to react when you see me on the
street. Let's watch…
A woman walks up to Avery.
Woman: Hi, I’ve seen your website. You’re not funny, you’re pathetic. And
your fly was undone all during your rants. You suck. Why don't you just give it
up and get a job doing something with computers? I wasted a valuable minute of
my life watching one of your rants and I want it back. Loser…
Okay, that was an
example of the wrong way to react to my comedy material. Reactions like that
will result in my bruised ego and a serious dislike for you as a human being.
Now, watch closely and learn as I show you an example of the proper way to
respond to me.
A woman walks up to
Avery
Woman: My God but you are
the funniest ant alive...and so sexy. Can I buy you lots of drinks and
repeatedly tell you how clever you are? I'd offer you tawdry sex if I thought I
was worthy of it. Say, can I introduce you to my friends, twenty of the most
attractive Scandinavian women you'd ever want to meet. My God you are so funny!
I've never laughed so hard in my life and my mother died today…
Much more appropriate! I think we'd
all feel better with reactions like that. So take note and remember that, okay?
April 5
Fun Facts with Avery Ant that don't go anywhere
On
Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the
morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
This won't happen again for a thousand years... Well, actually, it will happen
again tomorrow at three seconds after 1:00 pm in the afternoon... That is, if
you don't use military time. Oh, and
depending on how you set your calendar, it could happen again in May... Again, twice
if you don't use military time... I believe the other way (the May way) is the
European calendar. Which I prefer. After all it makes more sense to go
day, month, year. Don't you think? It's alphabetical and more logical... But
my point is that after that, then it won't happen for another thousand years... I think...
But don't quote me on that...
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
soldiers are not supposed to be
soft and cuddly
gerbil daisies
how nicole richie lost weight
bright green urine
swallow nuclear bomb
shrinking woman
retro housewife
how to make pope costume
suck up phrases for your boss
ann coulter insanity
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 257
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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