"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Liner Notes From Bad Album
Covers
Side One:
1.
I’m Not
Fat, I’m Full Of Christian Love
2.
Die
Sinners Die!
3.
Lie Back
& Think of God (I Know I Will)
4.
See You
At Church – Or Else
5.
Pregnant
Teenagers Burning in Hell (Acoustic Version)
Side Two:
1.
Jesus Saw
The Filthy Beggar And He Kept On Walking
2.
Pity The
Jews
3.
Powder
Blue Pants, Black Shoes, Red Shirt (Ska Version)
4.
Teach
Your Children Shame
5.
Do The
Hairshirt
When
Colombia
Records approached me to record this album, I thought, “These godless
heathen record industry types sicken me to my very core." Then I figured
it had to be a sign from God, because, well, I think everything that happens
to me is a sign from God. Our approach to making this album was novel: We’d
write some songs and record them. And with the money we made we’d buy stuff,
like clothes and food. This was pretty revolutionary thinking back then. A lot
of people don’t know this but “Christian Crusaders” was recorded in
about 2 hours. Our producer, I think his name was Marty, spent the entire
session in another room having what sounded like carnal relations with someone
(probably a man). He told us the record wouldn’t sell. He said we didn’t
have a sound anyone would buy. He insisted we’d be forgotten in no time and
that no kid in his right mind would ever dance to a song called “Do The
Hairshirt.” Boy, was he right. The only satisfaction I can take from this is
that I heard he died in a fire a few years later.
Al Davis (revised liner notes
1984)
Cover
photo: Yousuf Karsh © 1972 Columbia Records
All songs by Ed Scofield unless
noted.
Side One:
1. My Big Organ and My Son’s
Small Kit
2. I Wish I Was Sterile
3. Stop Calling Me “Dad”
4. When Big Brains and Good Looks Skip A Generation (The Ballad Of Tim)
5. You Were An Accident
6. Keep Your Eyes Off Mom – I Saw Her First
7. Where Did You Hide My Gun, Tim?
8. You’re 16, You’re A Man, You’re Out Of The House
Side Two:
1. Tim (You’re An Enormous
Disappointment)
2. Dad Gets The Groupies
3. Making My Boy Cry (Makes Me A Big Man)
4. Shut Up and Shine My Shoes
5. Surfing Bird
California
Wipe Out Girl (by Tim Scofield)
6. Dumb As A Chimp and Twice As Smelly (An Ode To My Son)
7. The Useless Progeny Two-Step
8. I Think Tim’s A Homo
Writing
and performing “Gee, Dad” was a long, difficult, acrimonious and, yes,
explosively violent experience. Originally intended to be an artistic
collaboration of folk ballads written by a loving dad and his “devoted
son” it ended up being a financial setback and an ugly discovery of the
shortcomings and many failings of my hapless boy, Tim. We walked into the
studio with one objective: to write catchy songs about the seasons (mainly
Fall). We walked out of the studio with a newer objective: to never speak to
each other again. I’m pleased to say that we still haven’t exchanged a
single word. These 16 songs represent what I went through in that studio and
are the essence of everything that I discovered about my son as well as my
feelings of absolute disgust for them: From my concerns about his obsession
with his mother to my thorough belief that he is a vile and deviant
homosexual. And I’ll say this much, my feelings of loathing really come
through in all the songs (with the exception of Tim’s derivatively putrid
“single,” Surfing Bird
California
Wipe Out Girl)
and I still enjoy playing them when family comes by for a visit. We had
everyone over last Xmas and I fired up the
Hammond
and played a rather “rocking” version of I Think Tim’s A
Homo.
It didn’t go over all that well with everyone, but I was so drunk I
couldn’t have cared less. Ha, ha, ha.
Ed Scofield (revised liner notes 1972)
My
therapist says I should try and talk about that summer dad and I recorded
these 16 tracks. So I’ll try... “Gee, Dad, you ruined my life and I hate
you.”
Tim Scofield (Bingington Mental Asylum 1972)
Cover photo:
Mrs. Scofield. © 1967 Vanity Records
Side One
1. Chaino On “Killing The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about
Poisoning
School
Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino proud musician. Chaino
proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino record this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Cover photo:
Chain’s Slave. © 1969 Chaino Records
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Flunked Out Of
Clown
College
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three Ring Alcoholism
6. My Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression
Side Two.
1. I’m Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown (Bozo’s Lament)
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records approached me to record this album, I said, “No, please not
another record, for God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obliged to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producer threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
Emmett Kelly, 1959.
Cover
photo: An Evil Circus Clown.
© 1960 Buffoon Records
All Songs By The Ministers Quartet
(Dan Smith, Dick Wilson, Bob Jones, Wilson Smith)
Side One:
1. I Dream of Choir Boy With The Light Brown Hair
2. Your Kids Are Safe With Me! (Camping Song)
3. Ooops, I Diddled It Again
4. Little League Baseball Coach (I’m a...)
5. Sin & Repent – Then Do It Some More!
Side Two:
1. Some People Think We’re
Creepy
2. I Don’t Care That You’re Only 13 (13 Is My Lucky Number)
3. Stick It In His Rector
4. Morally Weak (But Physically Stronger)
5. The Sinister Minister
6. Let Me Touch Him (Ballad of a Choir Boy)
Oh golly, the fellows had a heck of a time making this neat-oh album.
Why, they even ponied up their own dough to see that it got done. I say God
bless Dan, Dick, Bob and Wilson – four of the nicest ministers that I ever
met. It sure as heck was a shame when they got arrested on all those trumped
up charges, but as their lawyer, I was willing to fight tooth and nail for
them. The problem was of course that everyone was on that “we always
suspected as much” and “all men of the cloth are pedophiles” kick, and
gosh darn it, that – and the alleged photos of the guys – didn’t help
them one whit.
Sure, some folk said that once they looked at the song titles and really
listened to the lyrics...
“We’ll
take your kids camping
They’ll be lots of corn dogs and delight
We like to roast their marshmallows
Then polish their tent-poles all night”
...that there was no doubt in
their minds that these songs were about child molestation; but jeepers,
that’s just hindsight and searching for perversion where it simply isn’t.
Just because a song is called, “Ooops, I Diddled It Again” doesn’t
mean that it’s about the guilt associated with sodomizing a series of
teenage boys. Honestly, I don’t know where these police officers and fancy
pants, high priced, district attorneys get their ideas. Definitely not from
church!
Anyway, the odds were stacked
against the fellows, and to be honest, I’ve never claimed to be much of a
lawyer – which is why I sell insurance for a living. But darn it, I was
willing to give a try.
Upon reflection, the fellows probably should have hired one of them slick city
feller attorneys as opposed to a simple character with a drinking problem and
little understanding of the law. It was like I said to the guys as they were
getting dragged off to prison, “Aw shucks fellows, I sure am sorry things
didn’t work out. Write me!”
And they do. I got a letter from
Dan last week saying I can’t imagine what terrible and crazy things happen
there. Well I wrote him back and reminded him that I have a teenage son who
likes to go-cart and so I have a pretty good idea of what “crazy” is all
about. Hah, hah, hah, that son of mine... Sometimes he hides his vegetables
under his plate! But he’s a good boy. Dan is always asking me to send him
more pictures of the lad. I ask you, would a pervert do that?
I was sorry to hear that Bob and
Dick slipped in the showers and fell to their deaths and that
Wilson
accidentally cut off his tongue while shaving, but as an insurance
salesman/lawyer, I know all about the dangers around the home. That’s why
it’s important to have a full home insurance policy. If you don’t have
insurance, you should give me a call. I can help you. And I promise to do a
better job of helping you then I did helping my friends from The Ministers
Quartet.
Dave Smith
Liberty
Mutual Insurance, 1964
Cover photo: John Wilson ©
1964 Lolita Records
Side One.
1. Love in a Bomb Shelter – The
Swell Gang
2. I’m Always On The Lookout (For Communists) – The
Good Citizens
3. The Segregation Dance – Righteous Teen Beats
4. I Love You Barb Billingsley – The
Beaver Boys
5. Without A Family, A Woman Is Nothing – 4
Neat Fellas
6. She’s The Bad Girl From The Hygiene Films – The
Gay Guys
Side Two.
1. Insipid
America
– The Malt Shop Band
2. The Repressed Song (Keep Smiling, Keep Smiling!) – The
Keen
Church
Goers
3. Never Met a Black Person, Never Met a Jew – Bobby Smith and Friends
4. That Gal of Mine (Really Knows Her Place!) – Smiling
Eddie and The Squirrels
5. My Nuclear Family Doesn’t Include The Portuguese Maid – The
Doo-Wops
6. Cold War Girl, Let Me Heat You Up – Fabulous
Johnny and 23 Skidoo
Hey Guys and Gals get ready for 12 of the kookiest, nuttiest, hippest, and
most neato songs this side of squares-ville. If you like conforming, personal
hygiene, and being a good American citizen than this album is for you. If not,
then you’re a degenerate and we hope you get shot and/or sent to jail (but
mostly shot). This rocking album of rocking songs is just rocking! And it’s
the perfect benchmark for our generation: The best one there’ll ever be,
daddyo!
Almost as fun as McCarthyism and
way more interesting than worrying about some people’s civil liberties, 12
Top Hits features such destined to be classic bands like, The
Gay Guys and Smiling Eddie and The Squirrels. Bands we’ll be
hearing a lot more about, I can tell you that!
If you thought your leak free
ballpoint pen and the polio vaccine were something else, than get ready to
Hula Hoop your way to the Polypropylene jukebox and enjoy all the great songs
on 12 Top Hits.
And remember kids, wash your face
everyday, pledge allegiance to the flag, go to church and if you ever
have any urges to do anything un-American, then it’s perfectly okay to hang
yourself.
Until then – have fun. (But just
make sure it’s OUR kind of Christian fun... You know, the boring kind.)
Jim Jones – The
Burma
Shave Man 1958
Cover photo: Ward Cleaver © 1957
Conformity Records
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of sick
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner)
1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
All Material by Geraldine and
Ricky
* Unless Noted
Recorded Live at The Belleview
Hospital
for the Insane
Side One:
1. Good Wood
2. My Hand’s Up Your Ass (And My Fingers Are Covered In Splinters)
3. Everyone Says I’m Crazy (To Love You)
4. Let Me Do The Talking
5. Shut Up Dummy
6. Trees Talk Too! (Crazy Bedlam Dance Mix)
7. Geraldine (If You
Love Me, You Will Kill People!)
Side Two:
1. My Split
Personality
2. Ventriloquism – Art Form of the Future
3. Once Again, The Children Are Crying
4. Notes on Ricky’s Schizophrenia, Extreme Paranoid Tendencies, Repetition
Compulsion, and His Many Other Mental Disorders * (written
by Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz)
5. The Bitch Wears White * (written
by Ricky)
6. Do The Lobotomy * (written by Dr.
Seymour Rabinovitz)
7. No More Voices (In My Head) (written
by Ricky and Frank Sinatra)
In
my many years as a clinical psychoanalyst, I had come across thousands of
bizarre and disturbing cases, yet none of them was ever so troubling and
freakishly weird as the split-personality case of Geraldine and Ricky. (Or
Ricky and Geraldine, depending on whom you talked to.)
Ricky
and Geraldine were brought to my office by their traumatized and severely
alcoholic parents. They claimed that Geraldine and Ricky’s relationship,
while initially cute and funny, was now bordering on the “weird and
scary.” It was also implied that the two had begun to “hurt people.”
While drinking from a flask, their mother blurted out that they shared a bed
and were involved in “unnatural activities” together. I promised to do
what I could.
Right
off the bat it became apparent that Ricky was the dominant aggressor in the
relationship. He insulted me, broke my office lamp and swore like a turret’s
victim. Geraldine, for her part, tended to smile vacantly and look glassy
eyed. The fact that Ricky constantly referred to her as a “dumb bitch” and
a “controlling whore” demonstrated just how conflicted he was about
Geraldine, and her role in his life. The fact that his hateful words seemed to
have no impact on Geraldine whatsoever allowed me to conclude that she was the
“enabler” in this relationship, and, I suspected, probably also very
passive aggressive.
The first thing I did was have them committed. I then began to
creatively mix and prescribe mind-bending drugs that would cure them. Large
doses of powerful hallucinogenics would be required! Ricky really seemed to
take to them and talked endlessly about all the “cool colors, man!” whereas Geraldine became listless and started sprouting moustache hairs. I would need
to rethink my methodology.
My
next brainstorm was to put them in straightjackets and separate them. Again,
the results were not what I had hoped for. Ricky became silent and lay in the
corner, inert, refusing to eat, move, breath or talk, while Geraldine began
forming an extremely unhealthy relationship with a wooden chair.
One late night, while sitting in my office drinking and masturbating in
moderation, I finally arrived at what would ultimately be the perfect therapy
to help these two troubled souls slay their mental demons and find peace of
mind: Lobotomies all round!
Later, my secretary suggested that instead of carving out small pieces of
their frontal lobes maybe I should encourage them to record an album. She
noted that I could then analyze the resulting creation and search for
psychological clues in the words that might serve as root source and
foundations of their mental disorder. Since I couldn’t find my lobotomy
scalpel, I decided to go this route. Perhaps it might prove to be therapeutic.
The
result was Geraldine and Ricky’s “Trees Talk Too!” a combination of
traditional gypsy music, talk-therapy and ventriloquism comedy with some
clinical observations by me.
I
obtained some intriguing insights into the brains of both of them through the
material. It was obvious that Ricky was the creative visionary whereas
Geraldine was simply the straight woman and Ricky’s goonish plastic-haired
sidekick. Of course I had to keep a lid on some of Ricky’s “artistic
concepts.” His idea to have Geraldine strip would have excited the other
patients far too much, and there was no way in hell the two of them were going
to perform a “live sex show.”
As
the creative power struggle became more enhanced between the two, so did their
hopes of recovery. Geraldine often talked of a sock puppet from her childhood
that she wouldn’t mind revisiting and Ricky began working on a solo stand-up
comedy act about insanity, wood products and his immense dislike of carpenters
and termites.
By
the time the album was recorded (live, at our very own
Belleview
Hospital
for the Insane) a rift between the two had formed that would never be mended.
Shortly
after the album was recorded, Ricky met me for a private consultation and
admitted that the time had come to give up the “unhealthy act of
ventriloquism” and “get on with life.” He told me had discarded his
puppet, Geraldine, and as far as he was concerned I could toss her into the
incinerator.
I
asked him if he didn’t want to have the Geraldine dummy as a keepsake (this
was a test!), but he told me it would just be an unpleasant memory of his
troubled mental times. He was free of the dummy and happier for it... I had
solved the case!
I
congratulated Ricky on his incredible breakthrough and sent him on his
way.
I’m proud to say that Ricky is now a functioning member of society and a
small-time criminal and a petty thug at worst.
Geraldine,
of course, was nothing more than a stuffed puppet made of wood shavings, foam,
glue, plastic, and cheap pinewood. However she sits on an honored place on my
office bookshelf. Sometimes when I look into her glassy eyes I swear she
almost looks human...
Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz
Belleview
Hospital
for the
Insane (1972)
Cover
photo: Hans the Orderly ©
1972 Bedlam Records
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