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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 24
The
Sad and
True
Story of The Chipmunks
1958.
Conductor Dave
Seville
discovers three filthy chipmunks rooting through his garbage. They plead for
their lives and he realizes that talking squirrels can make him money. Lots
of it! He orders the three helium voiced rodents to sing a bunch of
songs and throw in some comedy while he records them at gunpoint.
“Let’s All Sing With The Chipmunks” goes gold and makes a star
out of all of them, particularly the alpha chipmunk –
Alvin
.
The
early 1960’s… Alvin
is no longer taking orders from Dave, who has succumbed to alcoholism and fits
of rage.
Alvin
agrees to make a second “Let’s All Sing With The Chipmunks” album but
only if he receives top billing. He
also demands that he and the Chipmunks lose the corny barbershop suits, wear
beatnik turtlenecks (oh the irony!) and receive vast amounts of cosmetic
surgery. Simon and Theodore, who have already become rather frightened of Alvin
, willingly agree. Dave tries to flush him down the toilet and a power
struggle ensues resulting in Dave getting bit by Alvin
and subsequently acquiescing. Dave
contracts rabies and is mercilessly teased by Alvin
throughout the entire recording. During
the recording of the album Dave tries to kill Alvin several more times. By
now his furious screeching and yelling at the precocious rodent is no longer
an act. The album outsells the first.
Alvin
quits the group and claims he is bigger than Jesus.
He then vanishes from public view.
Unconfirmed sightings include an IRA hovel in
Belfast
, a palace in
Calcutta
and a tree in
Central Park
.
Five
years later and after several visits to drug rehab centers as well as a couple
of loony bins, Dave manages to sober up and get his life on track. He
tracks down
Alvin
and convinces him to come out of retirement and record their third and final
album, “The Alvin Show.” By
now Dave is destitute, having squandered all his money on tube socks and gin.
Alvin
agrees but tells Dave his new role in this album will be radically changed.
Dave is consigned to cleaning up squirrel poop and procuring prostitutes for
all the Chipmunks (yes, even Theodore!). Alvin
writes, records, engineers, and produces the album. He uses all kinds of
elaborate studio tricks and gimmicks. Rumours abound that if you play Chitty
Chitty Bang Bang, backwards, you can hear
Alvin
evoking Satan and encouraging kids to smoke reefer…
The album bombs with fans and critics alike.
Three weeks later, Alvin
accidentally kills himself while attempting auto erotic asphyxiation. At his lavish
and celebrity filled funeral, a drunken Dave gives a eulogy simply stating he
hopes Alvin
rots in Hell. Two weeks later Dave
is found dead in a bathtub in The Chelsea Hotel with a bullet hole in his
head. Simon and Theodore are charged with his murder. During the trial the two
admit to a homosexual relationship with each other but vehemently deny
murdering Mr. Seville. They are found guilty and sentenced to life
imprisonment. Theodore is stabbed to death in Riker's Prison. In 1995
Simon is released from Attica Correctional Facility. He is considered a
revered cult figure among trendy urban kids and he tours North America and
Europe opening for Pearl Jam. Two years later, while recording his first
solo album, the tentatively titled, "Simon Says" he is found
dead on the studio toilet. The coroner attributes his death to natural
causes.
November 22
Michael Ignatieff’s
Bold Approach 
Iggy getting wiggy. His bold new
approach is, er, well, bold!
Facing increasing shots from political observers and Liberals for what
critics call a series of political blunders, Michael Ignatieff, the
front-runner of the Liberal leadership race, has decided that “It’s easier
to wrestle midgets than wrestle political issues…
So
that’s what I plan to do…"
Thanks to Rick Stolberg for the photo of Iggy
November 20
Picked Up On Waivers
When I
was a kid I used to tell people that I was adopted. I know it was juvenile of
me but I was a kid after all, and besides, it seemed safer than telling the
truth -- that I was picked up on waivers.
For a long time I was ashamed of that, but now I've developed a real sense of
pride about it. I mean, the odds were against me right from the start.
It was 1986 and I was an unsigned infant. I was convinced that I would be
picked up in the 86/87 family expansion draft, but after the 21st round I
still hadn't been chosen. I heard all the usual excuses -- I was too
old, my knife and fork control hadn't developed to a professional level, and
as far as bed-wetting went I was still something of a question mark. I
was about ready to give it up when a small family from
Scarborough
decided to take a chance on me.
I was picked 729th overall. Well, they tried me out in the family but it was
pretty obvious that I wasn't going to fit into their plans -- I was just a
quick fix to fill their hole in the preschool position... So, after only a
year and a half I was traded to the Wilson family for future
considerations.
The
Wilsons
were very girl-heavy at the time, and I guess Mr. W. hoped that I would add
some muscle and balance to the family. I toiled there for three years, gooning
it up and watching out for the girls, but recurring tonsil problems kept me
out of the line for most of the winter of '89, and when I tried to hit the
Wilsons
up for a higher allowance Mr. W. pulled me from the lineup and put me on
waivers.
My agent said that I had priced myself out of the North American child market,
that I should consider joining an Italian family in the less competitive
European market... But I hung tough, and just three days before the
Wilsons
could put me out to pasture... Bang! I was picked up on waivers. And it wasn't
just any family; it was the Jones family, a good organization with lots of
money and a great history. Mr. Jones wanted and expected the best from
his kids, and competition was tough. I was fighting for a top spot
against three veteran eight year olds and spent my first 18 months on the farm
team sharpening my skills. Every day I worked out, doing math, reading books,
playing tag and making slingshots, but I still hadn't gotten a chance at the
big leagues.
My break came in my tenth summer. The Jones family had been doing great all
year and everyone was trying to keep up with them. The kids were going strong
when their star son, Billy, went down with the measles -- he was going to be
out of the lineup for a week to ten days and there was a vitally important
family picnic coming up. I got the call. I was in the city the next day,
had my own room, name tags sewn into my underwear, comic books -- the whole
nine yards. But man, was there pressure to perform. Dad -- that's what
we called him -- made it clear to me that I was just a sub-in, but I knew in
my heart I had what it took to make the family permanently. I hustled my buns
off, walking the dog, mowing the lawn. I took the trash out three times in one
week, and by the time Billy was back on his feet I had all but stolen his gig
and it was him, not me, that was sent down to the minors...
My career as a kid had its ups and downs, a couple of trophies, the odd
mention in the papers and the usual bout with acne, but I played in the big
family and that's all that matters now. I made myself one promise --
that when the time came for me to grow up I was going to do it gracefully. Not
like some guys, who are still playing marbles and wearing short pants when
they're 21. I knew when it was time for me to leave, and my career's not
over. I'm still in the game, and parenting is just as tough. Sure the
rules have changed, but I'm learning to adapt, although, if truth be told, it
just doesn't have the same glamour as it used to.
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 31 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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