"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 11
She Had a Facelift at 82
 
“My biggest mistake yet in a mistake filled life,” laments Betty
Betty
Lewis is aiming to look her best on her 84th birthday - thanks to a facelift
and injections to plump out her wrinkles.
While most women her age tend to go in for a roomful of cats and titillating
afternoon soap operas, this grandmother of five shelled out 10,000 smackers
deciding that a facelift was the only thing that would cheer her up when
husband Bill, after 63 years of marriage, still hadn’t died.
”I figured he’d have no idea who I was and so maybe he’d try and find
someone else to make his cheese sandwiches and do his laundry,” said the
plucky octogenarian.
But,
alas, the results were disastrously Charo-esque, leaving Betty looking like a
bad joke from Hollywood Squares days
of the past. Resigned to the fact
that she looks like the, uh, actress, Betty says she is now trying to develop
a ridiculously flamboyant
stage presence and will take to wearing garishly provocative outfits. And look
for work in the Andy Williams Moon River Theatre in Branson
Missouri
"Cuchi-Cuchi," she added laughing sadly before taking a breath and
continuing, "When
I realized Bill was still going to live, I thought I would never feel joy or
excitement again, so I got the operation. Now I feel worse.
I wanted to look like Meryl Streep or Diana Ross or at least that Regis
Philbin character, but now my life is over.”
She
has a warning to any other seniors planning to go under the cosmetic knife.
“Just kill your husband instead, it’s far less painful.”
Other
Facelifts Gone Wrong…
 
Charles
The Fainting Sheep hoped to get 5 years removed from his face but winds up
looking like a demented cat.
 
Crazy
Old Man Al goes under the knife in hopes of looking more like a famous
celebrity and winds up looking like Popeye.
Don't
Forget Mother's Day!
Best
Mom
INT.
CLASSROOM -- DAY
DOCTOR
PRESCOTT, with a pointer stick going over mathematical equations and chalk
diagrams of the human head on the blackboard. Doctors GRELDER and SPENDLER
observing.
PRESCOTT
: And so we see gentlemen, that the cerebral cortex is in fact slightly
elongated, causing the symptomatic behaviour that I described earlier, and
thus leading me to conclude that my mom is the best mom in the whole world.
Prescott
points his stick triumphantly revealing his MOTHER, standing in the room's
corner. She is wearing an apron,
smiling and holding a roast.
PRESCOTT
(CONT'D): Questions? Yes, Dr.
Grelder.
GRELDER:
Doctor Prescott, I am a bit confused by the exact significance of the
abundance of adrenal fluid in your mother's left hemisphere.
PRESCOTT
: Well put quite simply, it gives mom lots of pep.
Makes her real friendly and energetic.
It also stabilizes her super ego.
GRELDER:
Fascinating, but in Dr. Lionel Carveth's revolutionary essay, "My
Excellent Mommy" he categorically states that it was his mother's
hyperactive affection disorder which allowed her to become the premiere care
giver we all know her to be. And
yet, I see no evidence of this in your mother's physiology.
PRESCOTT
: Carveth's work cannot be overlooked and while his theories were
revolutionary, in practice they were severely flawed.
That is to say his mom wasn't so great.
In fact, Carveth's early potty journals clearly depict his mother as a
castrating egocentric who sometimes didn't make his sandwiches with love. The
result of an unbalanced, hyperactive, affection disorder.
She was a good mom, but the best mom?
I think not.
Dr.
Spendler rises from his chair.
SPENDLER:
Doctor Prescott, I'm concerned about the growing scientific trend in great
moms to overlook the real nice dad phenomenon.
PRESCOTT
: Doctor Spendler, it is my scientific opinion that the theory of the real
nice dad is a myth.
SPENDLER:
How can you say that? Why, surely
your father...
PRESCOTT
: My father was a passive aggressive, alcoholic, Spendler, and you're not
allowed to mention his name.
SPENDLER:
But surely you must agree that without the real nice dad, the great mom is
incomplete?
Dr.
Prescott puts his hands over his ears.
PRESCOTT
: I can't hear you...Na na na na...
GRELDER:
Stop clouding the issue, Prescott. I
see no empirical evidence that your mother is so great.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen please, you've tasted the cookies.
GRELDER:
Perhaps if I were to dissect her, we could find some medical proof.
PRESCOTT
: No one is going to dissect my mom...is that clear?
GRELDER:
Do you have something to hide,
Prescott
?
PRESCOTT
: The first guy who goes near my mom with a scalpel gets a punch in the
nose...My mom is the best.
SPENDLER:
Interesting imagery...your mother, and a scalpel.
PRESCOTT
: Don't be such a Freudian goof, Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Your mom's not so great
Prescott
.
PRESCOTT
: How about your mom? You think
she's so fantastic just because she almost died giving birth to you.
Well I've read your papers on her and I can only conclude that she was
an obsessive compulsive, and a slut...
SPENDLER:
Apologize! Apologize now or you
get a punch in the stomach!
GRELDER:
Dr. Spendler, Dr. Prescott, please...while this type of professional debate is
healthy, we are getting away from the issue at hand...great moms.
Now perhaps if we were to examine my mother.
SPENDLER:
Oh wake up Grelder...you're adopted.
GRELDER:
I am not!!!
SPENDLER:
Your real mother hated you...
Doctor
Grelder pushes Spendler in the chest.
GRELDER:
Take that back...it's a lie!
Doctor
Grelder and Spendler begin pushing each other.
PRESCOTT
: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Control
yourselves. You are men of
science, of logic and reason. What
do you think your mothers would say if they could see you now...Doctor
Spendler, what would your mother say?
GRELDER:
Fighting is bad?
PRESCOTT
: I asked Dr. Spendler.
SPENDLER:
Well...uh...she'd...
Spendler
suddenly punches
Prescott
in the stomach.
SPENDLER
(CONT'D): No one calls my mom an obsessive compulsive, or a slut!!
PRESCOTT
: Except your dad!
GRELDER:
I am not adopted!!!
All
three fall on each other and continue to punch away.
May 8
On the Street Interview
INTERVIEWER:
Good afternoon everyone this is Carl Wade, intrepid reporter and today I am
live on the streets of
Toronto
to conduct our person on the street interviews where we give you the chance to
air your views on the issues of the day. Today I am going to be asking people
how they, as Torontonians, feel they are perceived by other Canadians. Here
comes someone now...excuse me...sir...sir.
MAN:
Who, me?
INTERVIEWER:
Yes sir...I was wondering if I could ask you a question. How do you think
other Canadians perceive Torontonians?
MAN:
Other Canadians?
INTERVIEWER:
Yes.
MAN:
I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
INTERVIEWER:
Well let me re-phrase that then...how do you think people who don't live in
Toronto
see Torontonians?
MAN:
You mean foreigners.
INTERVIEWER:
No...I mean Canadians...in other Provinces.
MAN:
Other whats?
INTERVIEWER:
Canadians who live outside of
Toronto
.
MAN:
Oh...I see...you mean like my Aunt Ruth who lives in
Florida
?
INTERVIEWER:
No! I mean people in...say...
Manitoba
.
MAN:
Mani....?
INTERVIEWER:
Toba...
Manitoba
...
MAN:
I'm not familiar with that...
INTERVIEWER:
British Columbia
?
MAN:
No...sorry.
INTERVIEWER:
Prince Edward Island
?
Nova Scotia
?
Newfoundland
?
MAN:
Gee a couple of those ring a bell but....well I'm not big on Geography. Are
they in
Asia
by any chance?
INTERVIEWER:
No. They are Canadian Provinces.
MAN:
No, I think you're wrong.
INTERVIEWER:
I assure you that I am not wrong.
MAN:
Well if they are Provinces I'm sure the people there think very highly of us.
What's not to like?
INTERVIEWER:
Thank you very much. That was....interesting.
MAN:
Did I win anything?
INTERVIEWER:
Just move along okay. Well we're off to a slow start but I'm sure we can find
a slightly more enlightened Torontonian. Ah, here comes a sharply dressed
business woman. I'm sure she'll be more co-operative. Excuse me madam, I'm
doing a person on the street in..
WOMAN:
I'm in a hurry.
INTERVIEWER:
I just want to ask...
WOMAN:
Leave me alone or I'll call a cop.
INTERVIEWER:
No, you don't understand.
WOMAN:
I have mace and I'm not afraid to use it...
INTERVIEWER:
That won't be necessary I assure you.
WOMAN:
Look I don't have any change alright! So buzz off. Maybe if you got a job
instead of hassling people on the street you'd have some self respect.
INTERVIEWER:
I don't want any money.
WOMAN:
Well then I'm certainly not interested in your Church of the Occult Penguins
or Buddha Witness' or Krishna Dartu or whatever it is that you're peddling.
INTERVIEWER:
I just want to ask you a question...I'm a reporter.
WOMAN:
I didn't see anything. I don't want to get involved.
INTERVIEWER:
I just want an opinion.
WOMAN:
Look I don't know who you are but you fax your questions to my lawyers and
I'll look them over.
INTERVIEWER:
Would you say that Torontonians are rude and self absorbed?
WOMAN:
I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth. Who told you I said that?
INTERVIEWER:
No one....
WOMAN:
Take that thing outa my face...that's assault. I'll sue you and your radio
station.
INTERVIEWER:
Alright, I'm sorry.
WOMAN:
Damn city! You can't even walk down the street without some weirdo harassing
you.
INTERVIEWER:
Look I'm sorry. My goodness.
GUY:
Forget about her, she's not a typical Torontonian.
INTERVIEWER:
Excuse me? Oh hello. I don't suppose you'd like to venture an opinion on how
you feel Torontonians are perceived by other Canadians?
GUY:
I personally don't think other Canadians are too preoccupied with
Toronto
. I mean they have lives too. It would be pretty ego-centric to imagine that
all they do is sit around and think about Torontonians.
INTERVIEWER:
That's an astute point.
GUY:
But if I had to make a generalization I'd say that they are wary of our
arrogance and attempts to emulate large American cities.
INTERVIEWER:
Really?
GUY:
Oh sure. I mean a city this size can be intimidating but I think that if they
gave it a chance they'd realize that we share the same concerns and dreams as
they do. That's a nice tape recorder.
INTERVIEWER:
Thanks. Go on.
GUY:
I want a tape recorder like that.
INTERVIEWER:
Well they're very expensive.
GUY:
I said I want it.
INTERVIEWER:
It's mine. Well it belongs to the CBC actually but they let me use it.
GUY:
Oh yeah? Well this knife is all mine, I stole it!
INTERVIEWER:
It's lovely....Did I mention that I'm live at Gerrard and Parliament Streets.
If there are any people out there who...
GUY:
Shut up.
INTERVIEWER:
Police officers for instance. I'd love to hear their opinion on this issue.
GUY:
I said shut up. Give it to me.
INTERVIEWER:
Hey...help....help...anyone.
SFX:
Struggle. Tape Breaking. Static.
BROADCASTER:
Unfortunately due to technical
difficulties we are unable to bring you the rest of Carl Wade's person on the
street interview. We now return you to the studio.
May 7
Hilton
Ordered to Jail – A Nation is Thrilled
The
entire world agrees: It’s great that Paris Hilton is going to jail.
Why,
when the news was delivered on local
Toronto
news station CFTO, anchor Andrea Case went as far as to say, “Yay!”
So
much for impartiality in journalism… Still
she was right to cheer. So
starting this June 5th – The
Paris
Hilton Daily Jail Journals.
May 1 (Rabbits)
The
Elevator Hug
Here's a
link
to a little cartoon I volunteered to write for. It's a campaign for
a "Virtual Hug."
This virtual hug is meant to
help raise funds for Meagan’s Walk which raises funds to fight paediatric
brain tumours. Meagan’s Walk was started by Denise Bebenek after her 5 year
old daughter Meagan died of a brain tumour 6 years ago. Every year on
Mother’s Day, Denise leads thousands of people to hug SickKids where Meagan
had received such excellent care. This virtual hug remembers her love of
laughter and of hugs. If it makes you smile, I hope you will
consider sharing this virtual hug with your friends and maybe even
consider donating to this worthy cause.
Last Christmas is so 2006...
Only 229 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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